One giant brain dump and a change in seasons

I’m feeling very blah today so this post is going to be exactly that.  It’s also going to be long because I’ve been doing lots of thinking, lots of soul searching.  Here goes my mind dump...

This weekend wasn’t great.  It started Wednesday night.  A had been fighting a cold and when I went to bed Wednesday night I realized I was also getting sick.  When W woke up Thursday morning he had a runny nose and was just unhappy.  I got ready for work and W and I headed over to Grandma W’s house as we do every Thursday morning.  W was a little fussy during our ride there, but nothing major or out of the ordinary.  We arrived and I went to get him out of his car seat.  That’s when I smelled it… At first I thought he needed a diaper change.  I wish that was the case.  W had puked all over himself, the car seat, and my car.  He looked miserable.  I debated going to work.  My instincts told me he had a cold and the puke was the result of a combination of milk/mucous/car.  I decided to head to work and Grandma W told me she’d text if W seemed to get any worse.  There were no more puke incidents, but W didn’t eat much and wanted to be held all day.  He wasn’t himself.  I left work early and picked him up.  He perked up a little when we got home, but still wasn’t feeling well.

Friday was a little better.  W and I were both at the peak of our colds, but W had a little more energy.  A and I had agreed not to exchange gifts for Valentine’s Day, but my wonderful hubby still came home with truffles, gourmet taffy apples, and even special dog treats for Addie.  I love him! J

Then it was Friday night.  W went to bed around 8pm per usual.  He woke up at 9:30 and pretty much cried until he finally fell asleep at midnight.  In that time he had 2 nearly full bottles, which never happens.  Maybe he was hungry since he didn’t eat much all day.  Maybe his ears/sinuses were bothering him.  Maybe he wanted to be near mom and dad because he just didn’t feel well.  Maybe all of the above.  Anyway, he was up again at 5am.  Thank God for A because he got up with W so I could sleep a little longer.  Battling the cold and little sleep had left me exhausted and I incoherently mumbled to A that I just couldn’t get up.

I thought for sure we’d need to take W to the pediatrician.  But somehow, despite the cold and very little sleep, he seemed fine.  It was weird.  He ended up taking a 3.5 hour nap and seemed much better.

We then went to our friends’ baby shower.  Their identical twin girls are due in March and it was so cute to see how excited their families were.  There was so much food and so many presents wrapped in girly paper. J

But then I saw my former IVF friend.  I knew there was a good possibility she’d be there.  And as excited as I was for my friends who will be welcoming their twin babies soon, it also made me really sad to see this former friend.  It was a reminder of friendships that have dissolved, of hurtful things that have been said, of disappointment, sadness, frustration.   As if that weren’t bad enough, the wife of the guy who posted nasty things about me showed up and sat with my former IVF friend.  Apparently they’re good friends now.  Perfect.

So let’s start from the beginning…

My friend was the first to go through IVF.  She got pregnant on the first round, but complications arose and she was on bed rest early on in the pregnancy.  During that time, I tried to be supportive and optimistic for her.  I sent cards, visited her, brought her cupcakes.  It looked as though things might improve and I joked that cupcakes were the cure for everything.  Sadly, she ended up losing the baby and my heart ached for her.  We remained friends.  We shopped together, I dog sat while she visited family during Thanksgiving, and gave her a card on what would’ve been her due date.

She went through another round of IVF and I started my first round.  It was great to have a friend who could relate.  We shared stories, emailed daily, vented, etc.  She even recommended our first RE and answered the countless questions I had.  We became close friends (or at least I thought we were) and we commiserated on our failed rounds of IVF.  I got pregnant on the second round of IVF and she was the first one to know (besides A).  But unfortunately she didn’t have the same results.  She suffered several miscarriages and unsuccessful transfers.

I felt awful for her and tried to be a good great friend.  I didn’t talk about my pregnancy at all because I knew she was having a difficult time.  When I was about 17 weeks along, I announced my pregnancy on Facebook (stupid Facebook).  I warned my friend ahead of time.

A couple weeks later we were emailing and she told me she had hidden me as a FB friend.  Up until that point, I had been very careful about pregnancy posts trying to be mindful of her situation.  It was a weird position to be in.  I was so so excited, but at the same time, I knew she was hurting.  When I found out I was hidden, it made me really sad.  I guess I just had a different point of view.  After our failed IVF, I searched for positive (pun intended) IVF stories.  I wanted to read about the successes other couples had because it made me hopeful and more optimistic about our chances.  I read every successful story I could get my hands on.  But I understand that she didn’t feel the same way and I understand that seeing pregnancy related posts was difficult.

We occasionally emailed, but things were different.  In the emails, I never talked about my pregnancy.  I felt like I couldn’t say anything and I didn’t want to make her sad.  But at the same time, it was disappointing not to be able to share/talk about this very significant life changing event.

The emails nearly stopped and she didn’t come to my baby shower (I didn’t expect her to).  I thought our friendship might be over at this point.

I had my sweet baby W and much to my surprise, she visited us in the hospital.  I have no idea how she knew W had arrived since I was hidden on FB.  But it was a very kind, very unexpected gesture.  And I know it was hard for her to be there.

After W was born, we exchanged a couple emails, but I never mentioned W.  Again, it was hard and a little strange not to talk about the most important person in my life (next to A of course), but I was trying to be very sensitive to her situation.

Fast forward a bit… During the summer she emailed me and told me she was 3 months pregnant.  I was thrilled for her.  I had been hoping and praying for her for the past 2 years.  She had been through so much heartache and good news was long overdue.

I also hoped that we could be great friends again, that I’d be able to talk about W in emails, that we could be FB friends again (stupid, but I always enjoy seeing pictures and hearing what other people are up to).  I really hoped things would go back to normal.  I missed my friend.

I soon realized this wasn’t going to happen.  It seemed like the only time I ever heard from her was when I sent her an email first.  It was really disappointing and I felt like I was the only one making an effort.

In the meantime, other mutual friends announced pregnancies.  Some on FB.  And there she was wishing them congrats.  She also had no problem spending time with mutual friends who were pregnant.  None of these people had to be hidden.  That really hurt.  It seemed like she was happy for everyone else – just not me.  And since I hadn’t heard from her at all, I can only assume I was still hidden from her feed.  And by the way, what’s the sense in hiding someone?  You might as well just unfriend them if you have no desire to keep in contact/know what’s going on in their life.

And then the infamous FB post happened.  The one in which Nick the Dick (yes – I’m using his name because he’ll never read this and the nickname is just too funny not to use) said a bunch of nasty things about me.  And no one in our group of friends said anything to me including my IVF friend.  How can you just say nothing when one of your friends is verbally attacked?  Answer: You can’t.  If someone says nasty things about a friend, you ask if they’re ok.  You tell them none of those things are true.  You discuss the situation.  You offer support.  You definitely don’t look the other way and pretend like nothing happened.  And that’s when I realized none of these people were my friends.  That realization still stings.  I thought I was over it until Saturday.

Seeing Nick the Dick’s wife sitting with IVF friend made me sick.  They both ignored me and I don’t understand why they’re acting like I’m the one who did something wrong?  If I did, then someone should fill me in.  And even if I did, it’s still not ok to say/post nasty things about someone.  To be fair, I didn’t say anything to them either, but I think I’m the one who is owed an apology.

I feel like those who go through IVF/infertility need to support one another and somehow infertility seems to have made more enemies for me.  I.just.don’t.get.it.

So there’s that situation.  And then there’s the weather.  I’m working from home again because we’re supposed to get another 10 inches of snow on top of what we’ve already got.  And then it’s all going to melt into one massive flood later in the week.  Fun.

And then there’s the fact that all these friends and former friends are having babies at the same time and I’m feeling really left out.  I know that’s stupid.  Really stupid.  But I’ve already been replaced by Nick the Dick’s wife.  She’s hanging out with all the girls that used to be my friends –some of my best friends.  It’s bad enough that I still see them conversing on FB even though I’ve deleted most of them.  So this is another instance where I’m feeling like I don’t belong.  And I already see them making future plans for their babies who will all grow up together.  Blech.

People go through the so called mid-life crisis and sometimes I feel like I’m going through a friend crisis.  I almost wish I could just start over with a completely new group of friends.  In some ways I have.   I’ve reconnected with friends I hadn’t talked to in a long time.  One of which I learned also went through IVF.  Another from high school.  Hopefully this pattern continues because I definitely need friends who lift me up instead of bringing me down.

I was venting to a sweet friend over the weekend and she told me this: There are friends for a reason, a season, and for life.  I’m thinking this group was seasonal and it’s just time to move on.  Time for a change in seasons.

See I told you that was going to be long.  Holy moly.  As you can tell, I’m throwing myself a giant pity party – for having a cold, for losing friends, for feeling left out.  I’ll be over it soon and back to my happy ways.  I already feel better for getting all that off my chest.  And spring will arrive eventually, right?  A new season is on the horizon…

A Rough Start

Today has been awesome.  And I mean that in the most sarcastic way.

Today has started out horrendously.  But that means it can only get better, right?

The horrendousness (is that a word?) actually started yesterday afternoon.  A and I were home again because of the cold weather.  I was working on my laptop when I heard a loud noise.  W had tripped over a balloon and fell face first into the corner of our bookshelf.  The sound of it was horrible and I can only imagine how much it hurt.  W had a bruise and a bump on his forehead and a bloody lip, but I was surprised that he didn’t cry very much all things considered.  The lip stopped bleeding relatively quickly and he barely had a bump on his head by evening.

Just before bed, A mentioned that W seemed more unsteady than usual, which made me nervous.  But then again he’s one and started walking fairly recently – I wouldn’t call him stable.  W also gets wobbly when he’s tired.  He went to bed at his usual time – around 8pm.  I put some Motrin in his final bottle in case he had a headache or any lingering pain from the fall.  W was up again at 9:30pm.  Then again at 11:30pm.  Then again at 12:45am.  At this point, A and I brought him into our bed and he slept for a couple hours.  Around 4am, A placed W back in his crib and we hoped to get a bit more sleep before having to get up for the day.  W, however, had other plans.  He was up at 5am and wouldn’t go back to sleep.

I’m not sure if he was in pain, just having trouble staying asleep, teething again, or all of the above?  I felt awful for him (and for me).  And now I’m wondering if I should have called the doctor or should have taken him in to the pediatrician this morning?  My instinct told me he was ok, but now I’m second guessing myself. L

Then I had a 7am conference call this morning.  I decided to call in from home.  In order to make it to work by 7, I’d have to leave the house by 6:15 and that just wasn’t happening.  So I called in a little before 7.  By 7:10, the meeting hadn’t started so I texted my coworker.  Turns out the meeting had been rescheduled and I hadn’t received notification.  Perfect.

When I finally got to work, I had an email from a partner company.  They basically had no idea what I was requesting even though I explained very clearly.  I know that’s vague, but getting information from these people is like pulling teeth.  I thought we were on the same page with my recent request… wrong.  It was just one more frustrating thing to add to the list.

But then, the day started to improve….  Remember when I mentioned that W’s 12 month photo session was a disaster?  Well, somehow the photographer managed to capture some perfect photos of my sweet little man.  I’m so in love with them – she did an amazing job.  Here’s hoping the day continues to improve. 

A few of my favorite photos:

 

 

Another friendship post (you've been warned...)

So what do you do when your friends are friends with your enemy?  Confused?  Me too. 

This is going to be a bit cryptic, but I thought I could just ignore the people who said mean things about me.  I knew we had mutual friends, but I thought I could dodge those very rare events we both happened to be invited to.  I thought I would just ignore the fact that mutual friends were still speaking to and making plans with the ex-friends.  And it turns out I can’t.

Most of all, I’m just confused.  Obviously, I can’t tell people who they should or shouldn’t be friends with.  It’s not my decision to make and that would be beyond immature.  And I’ve been in that position – where people have told me not to spend time with a specific person, not to be friends with so-and-so.  And you know what?  It only made me want to be friends with the person I wasn’t supposed to be friends with.  But I digress.  It hurts my feelings that mutual friends are still friends with the “meanies”.  And I’m not sure how to handle it.  It really hurts my feelings that all those mean comments were ignored and everyone just went on with life.  Like it was totally fine for all those mean things to be said.  And it wasn’t.

Maybe I’m being too sensitive?  Maybe I’m being self-centered (again)? 

But I’ve been on the other side.  I’ve witnessed one friend treating another badly.  And you know what?  I stopped talking to the person who treated the one friend badly.  Because I knew it was wrong and undeserved.  I don’t expect people to stop talking to the “meanies”, but I guess I expected SOMETHING.  Acknowledgement? Reaction?

Do I just separate myself from the entire group?  Or maybe I avoid these friends on FB since that’s where I see comments and plans being made?  (Seriously, I think FB often does more harm than good).  Or do I just get over it and move on already?  Uggh.

Saying goodbye to friendship

I need to vent.  And luckily I have this blog, which provides space to do just that. J
 

W was up for 3 hours last night.  Between 11:30 and 2:30.  It was rough and little man was inconsolable.  He seemed to only want mama and he wanted to be held.  The second I tried to lay him down, screaming ensued.  Even when I laid him next to me in our bed.  I’m thinking teething again?  Not sure.  But what I am sure of is we’re all exhausted today.  My large coffee is making me feel a tiny bit better.

So here goes… I’ve been honest about struggling with the decision on when to go through another round of IVF.  Every time I’m at peace with the later date we’ve decided on, someone else announces a pregnancy and I want to do IVF sooner.  I also feel a little sad with each pregnancy announcement because I’m worried our next IVF will be unsuccessful.  And what if we aren’t able to get pregnant ever again?  Will I ever be able to come to terms with that?  So each pregnancy announcement is a reminder of what may never happen.  And there have been so many lately.  It’s hard on me.  And last night, I saw yet another pregnancy announcement.  Not only is the couple expecting a baby, they’re expecting 2.  A second friend expecting twins.  I’m happy for them.  But I also thought we were better friends and I deserved a text, an email, something – instead of finding out on Facebook.  I guess I was wrong. 

The other kicker, a friend who I had gone through IVF with hid me long ago on Facebook.  She’s hardly talked to me since W arrived.  But there she was, commenting on the twin news and wishing the couple congrats.  We used to be really close.  We emailed often (daily!), shared IVF horror stories, and hubs and I even dog sat for her while she was visiting family.  A and I got pregnant on our second round of IVF, but it took her much longer.  She also suffered quite a few miscarriages.  She’s pregnant now (along with the rest of the world, apparently).  I understand that my pregnancy was hard on her.  But I thought she’d be happy for me since we had both struggled.  When she told me she hid me on FB my feelings were hurt.  When the emails and texts came to a hault, my feelings were even more hurt.  But now, seeing that she’s happy for our mutual friends and has no trouble talking to them on FB, it’s a theoretical slap in the face.  It seems unfair and hypocritical.

Last night A suggested I give up on this friendship.  I’m not a quitter.  I stubbornly don’t give up on anything.  But I think it’s time.  I knew having a baby would be life changing, but I didn’t expect to lose friends.

I’m sorry if I sound bitter.  I’m so so thankful for W and I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the gift we’ve been given.  If  W is the only child we’re meant to have, then I’ll have to be ok with that.  I realize there are many still struggling to have a first child and they are always in my heart.  I pray for them every night.  But I also feel in my heart, we’re meant to have a larger family.  And I’m scared it may not happen.

I’m a passionate person.  I can’t hide my emotions.  I also can’t do halfhearted friendships.  And right now, I’m just down.  Or maybe I’m just tired…. Tomorrow is a new day.  Tomorrow will be better.

Sometimes I just need to vent

It has been a week filled with minor frustrations, annoyances, and lots of emails.  I’m just in a bad mood and I think that’s ok sometimes.  I’m trying to snap out of it and I will soon.  But for the time being, I’m just going to be blah.  And since I’m blah, here is my public service announcement.  Sometime people use social media to vent.  I often do.  I’m not looking for advice and I’m certainly not looking for a condescending comment.  I'm not trying to offend anyone.  I’m just simply venting.  Getting something off my mind and putting it somewhere else.  That is very therapeutic for me.  I try to be optimistic and hopeful and cheery on social media, but let’s face it, there are days when the baby is cranky, someone says something that bugs me, or I get 19 emails in an hour at work.  So the next time one of your friends doesn’t have a jovial Facebook status, try not to tell them what they’re doing wrong or explain the situation from your point of view.  Instead, just simply say “been there” or “I understand where you’re coming from”.  Commiserate.  Sympathize.  A little empathy goes a long way.