Afterwards

A and I have both had a tough time since the miscarriage.  There have been many nights of tears, many discussions questioning the meaning or the point of all of this.  We were both left feeling deeply saddened and not sure how to recover.  And while we know that time heals, we've been so anxious to feel better and move on.  We both function better when we are distracted, but after the boys are in bed, it's so difficult not to think of the failure and the pain we've experienced.  We even joked that my usual retail therapy and A’s Cubs games weren’t making us feel any better.

I’m obviously heartbroken that A and I had to go through this.  But at the same time, I can’t imagine going through it with anyone else.  A has been my rock.  Most times, I didn’t even have to say anything because I knew A understood my thoughts and feelings.  A asked if I had discussed our situation with anyone.  I hadn’t and I honestly had/have no desire to.  I know people who have gone through miscarriage, but in their case, it wasn’t final.  They still had the opportunity to expand their family, to try again.  I knew they couldn’t relate to me or the sorrow that I felt.

I was prepared for our cycle to fail.  I definitely wasn’t prepared for a miscarriage.  In my mind, it was either going to work from the start or it wasn’t.  I realize now how naïve I was.

It’s been incredibly frustrating trying to learn something from this experience.  Right now, there are no takeaways for me.  It just seems incredibly unfair.  I’ve also been very angry, but I don’t have anyone to direct my anger at.  I’m angry at how this cycle turned out.  Angry at my body.  Angry at CF.  (I REALLY hate CF right now.)  Angry that crappy parents can have children so easily.  Angry at the world.  I even told A that it feels like I have nothing to look forward to.  I KNOW that’s not true at all.  But that is how I felt afterwards.  And don’t even get me started on the awful cramps that occurred as a result of the miscarriage.

I thought a failed cycle would bring closure.  I thought I'd be able to accept that a third child was just not in the cards for us, that we tried everything, and that would be that.  Instead, I feel so much worse.  Maybe closure and acceptance will come eventually, but right now it feels so far away.

The way this happened is still infuriating to me and I still have so many questions.  Why did it have to end this way?  Why be pregnant for such a short time?  Why did I feel the need to do this?  Why do I feel like my family isn’t complete?  Why didn’t God protect me from all of this pain?

I hope to have answers some day...

Miscarriage

A and I decided to try one final round of IVF.  It was a decision that was not made lightly.  I thought about it daily and agonized over the decision for weeks.  When I thought about my reasons for not proceeding with IVF, they were all centered around the IVF process itself and a fear of failing.  My desire for another child hadn’t changed (and neither had A’s).  A and I talked through it and I came to the realization that even though the process was incredibly stressful – physically and emotionally, it was roughly 2 weeks and I could handle 2 weeks of stress.  I also thought I could handle failure.  Yes, it would be difficult, but I’ve already experienced it.  And if we didn’t try one more time, I thought I might regret it later.  At least if we tried and failed, we knew we had tried everything and it just wasn’t meant to be.  After discussing several times and finally deciding to proceed, I felt like a huge weight had lifted and I knew it was the right decision for us.

This IVF cycle was the most difficult I've been through.  There were more injections, more appointments, and lots of disappointment along the way.  I started out with only 8 antral follicles.  Down from the 11 that were observed just a couple months ago and way way down from the 29 I started out with during my last cycle.  Only 6 eggs were retrieved when my previous cycles had produced 19, 20, and 18.  It was so discouraging.  Nothing was easy (not that any part of IVF ever is) and nothing went well. We only started with three embryos.  We later learned that a fourth egg fertilized late.  We had started with 11 embryos in each of the previous cycles.  This all should've been an indication of what was to come.

Imagine my surprise when I took a pregnancy test and got a positive result.  I was shocked.  I took several more because I just couldn't believe it.  So many positives, each test line a little darker than the one before.  I thought maybe, just maybe this was my silver lining after such an awful cycle.  The night I told A, we both cried.  We were so excited.  Cautiously optimistic, but excited.  And then, days later, I learned that my HCG levels were low.  Too low for a healthy pregnancy.  Three days later and that level had decreased.  And just like that, our elation turned to grief.  A and I cried again.  It's so difficult to carry on with work when you feel like your heart is shattering in a million pieces.  It's so hard to be a good mom when all you want to do is hide under the covers never to emerge.  It's so difficult to carry on with life, when there's a pregnant woman around every corner, a commercial showing a new baby every time you turn on the tv, and a pregnancy announcement every time you log into Facebook - women my age seemingly having no trouble conceiving.  It was agonizing knowing this was our last attempt and it ended so very painfully.  Like some cruel joke.  There are no more chances; there is no next time.

I kept wishing that low HCG level was a mistake.  That the clinic would call back and tell me the numbers were wrong.  That the sample was contaminated, that they failed to report a digit.  That it was all a bad dream.  But that doesn't happen in real life.

I find it difficult to give up.  I'm a go-getter, a hard worker, a fighter.  I'm determined to achieve my dreams, persistence is my nature.  And having to give up the desire of another child is perhaps harder than the miscarriage itself.  I don't want to let go, but I have no other choice.

Slowly, with time*, the broken pieces of my heart are being stitched back together.  One day at a time.  One foot in front of the other...


*Our 4th and final cycle began in late July and I miscarried in August.

IVF Consultation

A and I had our consult with our RE earlier this week.  Going into the consultation, I was convinced that our odds for having another baby were very low and had accepted that we'd remain a family of 4.  I was at peace with that conclusion.  Between the not so stellar ultrasound at my previous appointment and knowing everything we'd have to go through, I accepted that another baby was just not meant to be.

After talking with Dr. S., I'm more confused than ever.  He doesn't believe that insulin or CF in general has any negative affect on sperm quality.  In a way, this was frustrating to hear because it just seems that we should have better results.  And it seems many couples in which the male partner has CF require several tries at IVF.  I know IVF is not fool proof and each clinic is very different.  When I asked about this, I was told that 4 blastocysts out of 11 embryos was actually pretty good (and this was the best we've ever gotten).  But those blasts only resulted in 1 baby.  Dr. S. said that although I'm the dreaded 35 (my words, not his), it's still possible to have a baby and he's not very concerned about my age hurting our chances.  I asked how I could possibly go from an antral follicle count of 29 to 11 and if that drastic decline was typical.  He said no that it was very unusual to see such a dip and that antral follicle count changes monthly.  He said 29 was probably my high and 11 was likely my low and he expected that my count was probably higher than 11.  I'm not so sure, but he wasn't overly concerned and said he would change the protocol a bit for improved stimulation.  He also emphasized that quality was much more important the quantity.  A concept I understand, but I also know that more eggs equates to more chances for a baby.  I asked if he could give us an idea of our chance for success, knowing full well that the number was simply a guess, but I like numbers.  He said he would give us about a 40% chance of success for one embryo transferred (the same odds as our failed FET) and 55% for two embryos transferred.

I honestly have no idea what we'll do.  Some days I'm sure that we're done and I never want to think about IVF again.  Other days, I'd like to try one more cycle and even if it fails, I'll know that I tried everything.  I'm extremely torn.  Praying for guidance.

IVF #3 - July and August

7/8/2014 - I had my first OB appointment on 7/7.  It went well, but I was a little disappointed that my doctor said it was too early to try to hear baby's heartbeat.  I wanted some reassurance baby is doing well.  BUT I really like my doctor.  He said we'd do an ultrasound at my next appointment in 4 weeks.  And then said if I wanted one earlier, he'd just say I was having cramps and get me in whenever I wanted.  Perfect.  So I have an ultrasound this Saturday.  We also told our parents baby #2 is on the way and they're excited.  I like to wait until 12 weeks, but I'm already showing and we couldn't wait to share the happy news.  Both received a picture of W holding a sign that said "I'm being promoted to big brother February 2015". :)

7/9/2014 - I never really had cravings with W and I wouldn't say I'm having cravings this time around.  BUT if there are sweets in sight, I WILL eat them.  I ate so healthy with W, but this time around, I'm ashamed to admit I've had waaay too many gummy bears (I blame A), Jelly Belly jelly beans (blaming my mom for buying these), and caffeine free Coke (no one to blame, but myself).  And really, I know consuming these is my fault, but I can't help myself.  Bring on the sweets!!  Not really, I'm actually feeling very guilty. :\  Also my friend (one of two who know) abbreviated baby 2 as BW2 and I'm still laughing about it weeks later because that happens to be an abbreviation for Buffalo Wild Wings... it's the little things that amuse me. :)

7/15/2014 - I had an ultrasound over the weekend and all looks good.  Baby is measuring 2 days ahead with a heart rate in the 160's. :)

7/17/2014 - My last PIO injection was on 7/14.  If that's not a cause for celebration, I don't know what is.  They were by far the worst part of IVF and I just couldn't take anymore.  I was so tired of the pain, the bruising, and the bleeding.  There was a lot of bleeding in the last couple weeks - I think my back had just been poked too many times (50+) and the muscle was weakened.  So anyway, I'm DONE.

8/2/2014 - Heard baby's heartbeat.  I don't think there's a sweeter sound in the world. <3  Still feeling tired and lacking energy, but very happy.

IVF #3 - June

6/2/2014 - This weekend was nothing short of amazing.  I decided to take a hpt on Friday morning - 5dp5dt.  I had one expired FRER test left over from W so I figured why not take it, it was going to go in the trash anyway.  I took and it was negative.  Clearly negative.  I was disappointed, but I knew it was really early. I set the test aside and went about my day.  That night, I went to throw the test away and noticed an extremely faint second line.  So faint, you had to squint to see it, but it was there.  I wasn't sure what that meant.  Could there still be hcg in my system from the trigger?  The test was way expired so maybe it wasn't working?  It was several hours past the time I was supposed to read it so I knew it wasn't accurate.

I decided to take another test on Saturday morning (6dp5dt).  Took the test and it was positive!!!  Faint, but definitely positive.  I decided I'd take another the following day and then tell A.  I wanted to make sure these results were real and I hoped the line would be a little darker.  That same day, A and I found out that our offer for a house was accepted!!!  I couldn't believe it.  So much good news in one day!!

Sunday morning, 7dp5dt, I took another test.  Faint positive.  But it wasn't darker than my previous test and I was worried.  It actually looked like the line was lighter.  Everything I read on Google (big mistake) said this was a bad sign.  I was worried and decided I'd take another test that night (a little crazy, yes).  Sunday night, another test.  Clearly positive and much darker than the morning's test.

I'm happy and excited, but still nervous.  I know we have a LONG way to go.  Blood test is tomorrow.  Hoping for good numbers. :)

6/3/2014 - Today was my blood test!  I'm awaiting results and hoping the numbers look good.  I asked the clinic to leave a detailed message so that A and I could hear the results together.  If they're not good, I want him nearby and if they are good, well, I want him to hear the news when I do.  I'm nervous!  And I continue to hate those stupid PIO shots.  Last night's hurt.  I actually cried. :(

6/4/2014 - I received two phone calls from the clinic yesterday.  That made me nervous.  Why would they call twice?  I specifically told them I wanted to listen to the results with my husband.  I waited all day to listen to those messages, wondering what the numbers were, hoping they were good.  Finally, I arrived home at 5:45 and A and I listened to the message immediately.  "Congratulations, your test came back positive.  Please give us a call back."  That was it.  No numbers.  No details.  I was so so disappointed.  The next message just asked that I call back.  It was such a let down after waiting all day, expecting to hear the hcg levels.  So I called first thing this morning and got ahold of a nurse right away.  My hcg level was 120 at 9dp5dt.  The nurse said they wanted it to be over 50 so good news!  Such a relief.  I go back Friday to have my hcg level checked again.  Hopefully, that number doubles.

6/11/2014 - Friday (6/6/2014), I went in for another blood draw.  When the clinic hadn't called my 1:00 pm, I was nervous.  Doesn't the good news always come early in the day and they bad news late?  That's been my experience.  So by 3:30 I was scared out of my mind that something was wrong.  The clinic closed by 4 so I decided to call them just after 3:30.  All was good and my hcg level was 370.  I was so relieved.  I don't go back until 6/23/14, which seems like forever.  In the meantime, I've been traveling for work, fighting allergies or a cold, and I'm worn out. :P

6/12/2014 - So it already happened.  The administrative assistant asked if I was wearing a loose shirt for a reason.  I'm 5 weeks.  5.  It's sooo early.  And I wasn't ready for that question.  I simply said no and walked away as quickly as possible.  I think I'm mostly bloated because of the progesterone shots (which still suck), but oh.my.gosh.  Also for documentation sake, I had "symptoms" throughout the two week wait - lower back pain, mild cramping, bloating.  But these could have easily been progesterone related.  The two biggest signs that I was pregnant were more noticeable veins and an overall achy feeling.  I had that achy feeling while I was pregnant with W.

6/25/2014 - I don't even know where to begin.  I haven't updated in awhile.  A was hospitalized, I had an awful business trip, life has been stressful.  But things are well with baby W #2.  I had an ultrasound on Monday (6/23) and we were able to see one baby and baby's heartbeat.  It was wonderful and exciting.  It's still very early so I'm trying not to get too excited, but I'm happy.  And I have an end date for those yucky PIO shots!  3 weeks and counting!!  Oh, that reminds me... I had to give myself a shot when A was in the hospital.  Incredibly difficult and painful.  But I survived.  Anyway, I continue to be achy, tired, and a little nauseous, but I actually like it because it's a reminder that I'm pregnant. <3

Preparing for IVF #3 - May (Part 2)

5/21/2014 - Retrieval went well!  18 eggs retrieved.  I'm happy with that number.  The staff was great and I felt really good after it was over.  So good that I picked up a few groceries and went to lunch with A.  That's never happened before.  For past retrievals, I've been really sore and out of it afterwards.  By afternoon, though, I wasn't feeling great.  I was very sore and very tired.  Took a nap and felt better, but then got a headache.  Took my meds and Tylenol before bed and woke up feeling great... until I took my antibiotic.  They aren't kidding when they say take with food.  I thought I was going to be sick multiple times on my way to work.  Major nausea ensued  I forced myself to eat a little breakfast and drink some Coke (Coke always make my tummy feel better??) and I was totally fine.  Lesson learned.  Now I await the fertilization report - so so nervous.

5/22/2014 - I received the fertilization report yesterday.  I had 15 mature eggs and 11 were fertilized by ICSI.  So we have 11 embryos.  I was told we'd do a five day transfer.  I explained I was nervous because our embryos tend to stop developing on day 3.  I was told it was very unlikely that all 11 embryos would stop developing.  I then asked if they'd check the embryos on day 3 and if the embryos didn't look good, could we do a 3 or 4 day transfer.  I was told that the embryos wouldn't be checked until day 4 or 5 - that they tried to handle them as little as possible.  That makes sense, but I'm really nervous.  Last time we did a 5 day transfer, it didn't work.  What if we have no embryos by day 5?? :\

Also yesterday, I started PIO shots.  I think they may be the scariest thing yet.  I've never had to do them before.  I give all injections to myself, but this one I can't do since it has to be injected in the upper portion of the butt.  TMI??  It was awful.  The needle is big and it hurt.  And I hate not being able to give them myself.  I trust A, but if anyone is inflicting pain on me, it should be me!!  Hate them.  And I might've cried.  And I'm dreading having to do another tonight.  And for the next several days. :*(  On the bright side, worrying about the shot is keeping me from worrying about the embryos.

Yup, this sums it up: http://ourmisconception.blogspot.com/2012/11/ode-to-pio-shot.html#.U35nLSYo7cs

5/23/2014 - PIO shot went much better last night.  Here's a little hint if anyone has to do these.  Hold the vial for 10 minutes prior to injecting.  This helps the oil warm up and it becomes less viscous, which makes it easier to inject.  Rub the spot afterwards and use a heating pad.  Also, it could just be me, but the lower the injection is, the more it seems to hurt.

5/27/2014 - I didn't update over Memorial Day weekend so this is going to be a bit long.  I was super super nervous about the quality of our embryos.  Transfer was scheduled for Sunday, 5/25.  Saturday, 5/24, I was a nervous wreck.  The fertility clinic called our home phone 3 times.  Each time, my heart stopped and I was sure transfer was going to be cancelled because we had no remaining embryos.  Each time, however, the call was an automatic reminder of my upcoming appointment.  So annoying.  Then I missed a call from the clinic on my cell.  No message was left.  Again, I was super nervous, thinking the worst.  I wondered if they'd call Sunday morning with bad news.
Sunday eventually rolled around and no phone call.  A and I arrived at the clinic early.  My nurse checked that my bladder was full enough for transfer (so uncomfortable) and it wasn't.  I had to drink more.  I asked if all the preparations meant that we still had embryos.  She said yes.  I was relieved, but still nervous because I didn't know what state our embryos were in - if there were high quality or not.
The doctor eventually came in and showed me a picture of the embryos we were transferring - one larger, one smaller.  It was very similar to our first IVF experience and I was disappointed that the embryos didn't look a little better.  He told me none met freeze criteria.  Very, very disappointing.  Especially since this clinic is supposed to be so much better.  I don't understand why we never have embryos to freeze after starting out with so many.  Embarrassingly, I'm not even sure if the second embryo is considered a blast.  I believe it is an early blast.  I didn't ask - I just know that it was smaller.  IF it was in fact a blast, then that would actually be better than our first cycle.
So now we're in the 2 week wait.  Hoping for the best, but preparing for bad news.  I feel normal for the most part.  Of course I'm overanalyzing every little twinge, looking for signs.  My back is really sore where the PIO shots have been injected.  Honestly, I wish I felt bad - I would take that as a good sign. :)

5/29/2014 - OMG!!  I'm SO excited!!  We have FROZEN EMBRYOS.  When I went in for transfer, we were told that none met the criteria.  I just assumed that was that.  But the clinic watched them another day and it turns out, they continued to grow.  So we have two frozen embryos!!  I'm thrilled!!!

Preparing for IVF #3 - May (Part 1)

5/1/2014 - This week has been particularly tough.  One of my good friends suffered a brain hemorrhage on Tuesday.  Thank God he remains stable.  Then Wednesday brought the news that my RE will be out of town while I'm in the middle of IVF.  I cried yesterday while talking to A about everything.  I also talked to a friend about the IVF situation.  I purposely don't tell anyone when we're going through IVF - it's a personal journey and it puts less pressure on me.  But I'm glad I confided in my friend.  She was so supportive and I'm thankful she called me to talk through everything.  She has two little ones - 1 and 2 years old so I know how incredibly busy she is.  It means a lot to me that she took time out of her day to listen to me vent.  She and A brought up some very good points.  She told me if my gut was telling me to postpone IVF, then I should definitely wait.  An excellent point since I always give people the same advice. :)  Honestly, I don't feel in my heart that we should wait.  Everything is set - medications are in hand; all procedures are complete; I've been on birth control in preparation for this IVF cycle.  For the most part, I feel ready.  Both she and A pointed out that my doctor will oversee the protocol and will be there for transfer.  The lab will be responsible for fertilization and monitoring the growth of our embryos.  So the only thing the new doctor will be responsible for (assuming all goes according to plan) is the retrieval.  And in my previous two IVFs, retrieval has always gone smoothly.  So we'll go ahead with our IVF plans.  I'm still really disappointed and frustrated.   I'm frustrated that the doctor is going to be gone 5 days.  Why did those days have to fall during MY cycle?  And to be completely honest, I'm wondering/worried that these happenings are signs that I should wait on IVF. But then again, is there ever a perfect time?  No.

5/6/2014 - Baseline ultrasound and blood draw complete.  I have a total of 29 antral follicles.  Plan is to start injections on Saturday (5/10/14).  I won't receive instructions until Friday, which seems weird to me.  I'll have to bring my meds to San Fran - hope the TSA doesn't give me a hard time.  And I'm not exactly sure what meds to bring. :\  Also, I started on low dose aspirin and prenatal vitamins.

5/7/2014 - I was super nervous about taking injectable medication on the airplane.  I had a doctor's note, but was still preparing for the worst while going through security.  I had images of being detained and patted down.  The process could not have gone smoother.  No questions asked.  Easy.

5/10/2014 - Started injections!!!  I didn't hear from my nurse until today and I was freaking.the.heck.out.  I am a planner.  I wanted to know ahead of time what exactly my protocol entailed.  Waiting until the last minute had me super worried - I thought something was wrong.  ANYWAY.  I'm starting with 300 iu of follistim.  That's all for now.  Making the injection was strange.  I pointed the needle at my tummy and said something along the lines of "I can't believe we're doing this again".  I had a very brief moment of panic... one that comes with preparing to stick a needle in one's self.  It's just unnatural.  But it all went smoothly.  Here we go again.

5/11/2014 - 300 iu of follistim

5/12/2014 - Went in for blood work.  Was told to do 300 iu follistim and 7 units of low dose HCG.  The HCG injection really hurt.  The needle seems bigger.  Ouch.

5/13/2014 - 300 iu of follistim and 7 units of low dose HCG.  Feeling a bit bloated and sore (already?!?!?  I don't remember feeling this way so soon).  HCG didn't seem to hurt as much.

5/14/2014 - Went in for blood work and ultrasound today.  It took FOREVER.  I was there an hour - 30 minutes in the waiting room.  Uggh.  I'm frustrated.  I HATE being late for work.  I haven't told anyone about IVF and I just feel like an unprofessional slacker.  Anyway, all continues to look good - well, except for my arms and tummy which are all bruised.  Tonight, I'll be injecting 450 iu of follistim and 9 units of low dose HCG.

5/15/2014 - 450 iu of follistim, 9 units of low dose HCG, Ganirelix at 10pm.  Also, the medications are making me super emotional. :\  I've always been a bit emotional, but I tear up so easily.  And yesterday I got the overwhelming feeling that this round isn't going to work.  Holy hormones!!  I'm telling myself to be positive and take things one day at a time.

5/16/2014 - Went in for more blood work and ultrasound.  Luckily, I got there early and it didn't take as long.  Things are moving along.  The nurse told me retrieval would be early next week.  Feeling better and less emotional today!  Tonight I'm doing 400 iu follistim, 9 units of low dose HCG, Ganirelix at 10pm.  I was also told my follicle count - I have 3 times as many follicles on my left ovary.  Not sure if that's normal?  Left ovary: 15mm - 1, 14mm - 1, 13mm - 1, 12mm - 3, 11mm - 2, <10mm - several.  Right ovary: 14mm - 1, 12mm - 1, 9mm - 1, <10mm - 4.

5/17/2014 - 400 iu follistim, 9 units of low dose HCG, Ganirelix at 10 pm.  Feeling pretty good!

5/18/2014 - Went in for blood work and ultrasound.  My poor arm really hurts, but otherwise I feel really good.  Not sure if that's a bad sign?  Previously I was bloated and uncomfortable at this point.  Received a phone call from my nurse.  I was told to do one final injection of Follistim - 300 iu and do the HCG trigger at 9 pm.  Retrieval is scheduled for Tuesday 5/20!!!!  A little excited, but nervous!

Preparing for IVF #3 - April

4/8/2014 - Starting on the birth control pill tonight.  I was hoping to avoid this, but I know it's standard practice.  (Sidenote: when listening to messages from the fertility center, make sure your phone is NOT on speaker.  OMG.  The whole office almost heard I'd be starting on birth control tonight - caught it just in time!)

4/9/2014 - I'm stressed and exhausted.  I couldn't sleep last night.  I talked to the IVF nurse this morning (again).  Hysteroscopy is scheduled for next week.  I have to miss work because they don't have early appointments.  I hate missing work.  Baseline ultrasound is scheduled for early May.  I'll only be taking two days off the birth control pill and I expressed that I was nervous about how my body would respond.  The nurse tried to tell me it would be ok and the doctor knew what he was doing.  I'm just overwhelmed. :(  Meanwhile we need to figure out how to get A's frozen sperm to the clinic... and that's going to cost a pretty penny.  And also, I had to explain for the hundredth time why we weren't using a fresh sample from A.  I'd like to give the nurse the benefit of the doubt and assume she knew why, but temporarily forgot.... But this is one of the MAIN reasons I left the first clinic.  I had to explain our situation over and over.  I'm so frustrated.  If A could provide a fresh sample, we wouldn't need IVF.  Duh!!  I could cry...

4/10/2014 - I'm starting to get really nervous and anxious.  I can't help thinking what if this round fails.  How will I deal with that?  When IVF isn't successful, it's devastating.  It's incredibly painful.  Insurance only covers 2 rounds.  What happens if they both fail?  Will I be able to accept that?  I used to hear of people dealing with secondary infertility or going through additional rounds of IVF after having a child and I would think, well, at least they already have one child.  God has blessed me with the most incredible gift I've ever been given.  And sometimes I feel selfish for wanting another child.  But I also feel in my heart that my family is not complete.  I want to be in the right state of mind for this next round of IVF.  For me that means being calm, at peace, hopeful, but realistic.  I'm not there yet.  Hopefully I will be in a month.   One month and I start injections.  Eek.  My giant box of medications arrived yesterday.  Double eek.  Also, my sweet husband brought me flowers yesterday.  He knows just how to cheer a girl up. :)

4/17/2014 - I had the hysteroscopy yesterday.  I was dreading this.  The last time I had it performed, it was extremely uncomfortable and took forever.  Last time, the scope/tubing/whatever it's called could not be properly placed despite several attempts by the doctor, I had to fill my bladder, and finally an hour later, it worked.  It was miserable.  This time around, it was more painful than I remember - ouch.  But it was over with in minutes.  Despite the uncomfortable procedure, the appointment made me feel good for several reasons.  First and foremost, the results of the hysteroscopy were great.  Everything looked normal and when it was over, the doctor said, "ok, let's have a baby".  I try very hard to not get my hopes up, but I like his optimism.  I have a nurse!  My own nurse.  At the previous clinic, I was never assigned a nurse, I never had any idea who I was talking to.  Whoever was on duty that particular day, was my nurse.  Not so at the new clinic.  I talk, email, and see my actual nurse.  I can't tell you how comforting this is.  The clinic is so much more visually appealing and up to date.  The previous clinic had retrieval waiting areas that consisted of a curtain over a stall.  It was horrible.  The new clinic is completely different - actual modern rooms - with a door.  No matter what happens with this cycle, this is the right clinic for me.  The nurse also showed me how to use every last drop of medication in the syringes I'll be using.  The old clinic never told me this and I discarded quite a bit of very pricey medicine.  May is fast approaching.

4/23/2014 - Who knew transferring A's frozen sperm from the storage facility to the clinic (about 30 minutes away) would be such a hassle?!?  Certainly not me.  I feel like both A and I have been on the phone or answering emails from the clinic and facility constantly.  To be honest, I'm really tired of it.  I'm tired of trying to return phone calls while at work.  I think we finally have a plan.  At first I thought the clinic was going to charge us about $1200 and the storage facility was going to charge another $200+.  That seemed insane.  It looks like the total is still going to be around $600+, but it's better than the initial estimates.  We're saving money by transporting the sample ourselves and as long as I return the tank to the clinic, we won't be charged the $500 tank fee.  So in order to transfer the samples, A has to complete paperwork and have it notarized.  I'll pick up the tank from the clinic, head over to the storage facility, take care of all the fees there, and then return the samples and tank to the clinic.  That's the plan anyway.  Oh and I'll be missing work while I complete this little adventure.  Not at all happy about that.  Can't wait until this task is done!

4/24/2014 - I've been thinking a lot about my hopes and goals for this cycle.  Obviously, I hope several high quality eggs are retrieved and fertilized.  I hope my body responds well to the medications.  I hope this cycle results in a healthy pregnancy.  I hope all goes smoothly.  But I really really hope we have embryos left on day 5 that are able to be frozen.  We've never been able to achieve this.  And it's really discouraging.  After each of the first 2 cycles, I knew 5 days after retrieval that FET would not be an option.  I knew that if I got a BFN, I'd have to do IVF all over again.  It's heartbreaking to have 12 embryos on day 1 and 0 on day 5.  If it doesn't happen, then I'll deal with it as I have the previous 2 times.  But if it does happen, it will be a huge relief, a new, uplifting experience.

4/25/2014 - The eagle has landed... or something like that.  Is that a line from a movie?  Regardless, the sperm have made it to their new home.  It was a bit chaotic and A had to come save me.  I picked up the tank from the clinic around 8:30am.  I was expecting something the size of a thermos.  Umm... not even close.  The tank was huge and heavy.  I frantically texted A saying I wasn't sure how I was going to carry that damn thing to the storage facility.  The storage facility is located within a hospital - a hospital with a large parking lot and several suites and I had no idea where in the hospital suite B200 was.  My awesome husband came to my rescue.  He left work and met me at the hospital and carried the tank for me.  We eventually found the correct suite and it was smooth sailing from there.  And we got a bit of good news - we thought there were 3 vials of sperm, but it turned out there are 4 (I blame the less than stellar records at our original clinic).  Being back at the hospital where we had our first 2 IVFs was strange.  I left with the feeling that I am most definitely at the right clinic now.

4/30/2014 - I received a call from my nurse and she told me that she found out my doctor has to be out of town 5/17-5/22.  I'm very upset and disappointed.  I chose this clinic based on this doctor.  I've only met this doctor.  I'm scheduled to begin injections in ten days.  My retrieval is targeted for 5/18.  So it is likely that a different doctor will perform the retrieval.  I'm upset, frustrated, and everything else.  I don't know what to do.

Preparing for IVF #3 - March

3/3/2014 – Talked to IVF nurse.  Originally I was excited about IVF because it meant the possibility of another baby.  But talking to the IVF nurse was a major reality check.  She started talking about all the procedures to be done prior to beginning IVF including a saline sonogram.  For me it’s a relatively uncomfortable procedure and it didn’t occur to me that I’d have to have one with this IVF round.  Now I’m just nervous/upset/emotional.  I think I temporarily blocked out all of the negative parts of IVF and now they’re hitting me hard… injections, monitoring, blood draws, ugh.   Anyway, right now we’re shooting for injections to begin around May 10 and a May 18 retrieval date.  Eek!

3/11/2014 - Talked to IVF nurse again.  I'm going in for blood work tomorrow.  Silly me forgot I had a meeting scheduled for the same time.  Crap.  Oh how I seem to have forgotten all of the planning involved.  IVF round 3 is starting to seem more real!

3/12/2014 - Went in for blood draw.  7 vials were collected. 7!!  Holy moly.  But I have to say, the nurse was awesome.  It didn't hurt at all.  That's a rarity for me.  Initial results all came back normal.  Yay!

3/19/2014 - Additional testing shows my vitamin D is low and I'm not immune to rubella?  Umm... ok?  It's been ages since I've received the MMR vaccine, but if I'm not immune to rubella then how am I immune to measles and mumps?  Anyway, I have to get the vaccine and a vitamin D supplement.  In a way I'm glad our new clinic is so on top of things.  Some studies suggest that low vitamin D is linked to infertility and contracting rubella during pregnancy can result in birth defects or miscarriage.  But on the other hand, now I have to get myself to a Walgreens Take Care Clinic and get vaccinated... boo.  Yes, I suck for not having a primary care doctor.  If I had one, I'd go there.  Long story short, because I worked in the lab for several years, I had to get an annual physical, which was done at my place of work.  Good enough.  I didn't really need a doctor except for those few times I got sick and needed an antibiotic.  I even had an EKG, chest x-ray, all kinds of crazy tests during my exam for work... thank you potent active pharmaceutical ingredients for requiring extremely thorough exams.  So now that I'm out of the lab (thank God), no more yearly exams.

3/27/2014 - I started taking the vitamin D supplement over the weekend and got my MMR vaccine yesterday.  I went to the Take Care Clinic for the vaccine.  I tend to have a very negative view of these types of places and started judging as soon as I arrived.  I even texted A and told him I thought it was going to take forever, that I didn't want to be there, that I really should find a primary care doctor, blah blah blah.  But the nurse practitioner could not have been nicer.  She even wished me luck with IVF.  So I left feeling pretty sheepish and also a tad excited/hopeful.  The ups and downs of IVF have already begun.

A Big Announcement

Since it’s birthday week, I wanted to share some special news….

I went through a third round of IVF in May.  I kept sort of a diary or timeline of appointments, procedures, and my thoughts along the way and I’ll share that throughout the next few weeks.  I started preparing for round three in March so it’s quite a lengthy sequence of events.  In short, I was really impressed with the new clinic and the care I received.

We are so excited, grateful, happy, thrilled, thankful, a bit nervous, and a host of other emotions. <3

Thoughts on overcoming infertility and friendship

I’m not doing Friday Favorites today because I didn’t have time to prepare anything.  Instead I’m just going to share what’s been on my mind.

Wednesday was a rough day (as you could tell from my post), but each day has gotten a little better.  Lack of sleep really impacts my mood <obviously>.  I’m still sad that I’ve lost some friends along the way.  In the end, I have a wonderful family who is always there for me and that’s all that really matters.  After my post on Wednesday, I got a message from the friend expecting twins.  He basically said that he and his wife consider me a friend, but that his wife had to “unfriend” me on FB because they were having trouble conceiving and looking at the baby pictures I posted was too hard.  If you’re keeping count, that’s two really good friends who’ve unfriended me because I had a baby.

I’ve thought about what he said.  And I’ve thought about my friendship with this couple and here’s what I think.  1.  If you consider me a good friend, I still don’t think I should’ve found out you were expecting via social media.  2.  If you consider me a good friend, you should’ve explained why you were unfriending me BEFORE doing so, not months AFTER the fact.  I at least deserved a “heads up”, an explanation.  3.  The whole “unfriending” thing seems very, I don’t know, junior high-ish?  And finally:

I’ve been on both sides.  I’ve been the one struggling to conceive and the one feeling hopeless and lonely after a failed IVF.  I’ve also been able to overcome those struggles and I’ve been blessed with a perfect baby boy.  While I was struggling, it was hard to hear about other pregnancies and see baby pictures.  But in the end, I knew that those expectant moms weren’t taking something away from me.  Their success had nothing to do with my struggles.  Hiding them, unfriending them wasn’t going to change anything.

I post a lot of pictures and updates about my family on social media.  And I feel like those who unfriend me and then don’t stay in contact with me really have no idea what’s going on in my life.  They don’t know what we’ve been up to, they don’t know what W has accomplished lately, they don’t know anything.  And if they don’t care to know my life lately, then what kind of friend does that make them?

IVF is HARD.  I’ve been there.  I’ll go through it again.  When I finally found success, it seemed like I was chastised and pushed away.  That’s just not fair.  Having a baby doesn’t mean all those infertility struggles are gone and forgotten.  I feel like overcoming infertility should be celebrated.  So why am I being punished?

And are these “friends” expecting me to attend their baby showers?  Am I supposed to act like everything is fine once they have their babies?  Because I don’t think I can do that.  I’m a good person <for the most part>, but not that good…

Today is a gift and that's why it's called the present...

I haven’t really been in the mood to blog lately.  I’m not sure why.  Part of me is overwhelmed with the holidays.  I just feel like there is so much to do and not enough time.  The late Thanksgiving holiday certainly didn’t help.  My mind constantly wanders to the shopping that needs to be done, the presents that need to be wrapped, the party that needs to be planned.  I keep telling myself to slow down and enjoy the present.  All of the things on my to do list will be accomplished eventually.  Easier said than done.  Yesterday, the following quote appeared in my FB newsfeed:

“Sometimes we get so caught up in what’s ahead that we forget how wonderful it is to just live in the moment.  Stop, listen, and enjoy the here and now.”

It makes perfect sense.  I want to enjoy the pre-Christmas festiveness with my nearly one year old.  This is the only Christmas he’ll have as a one year old.  Yes, there will be more Christmases to enjoy down the road, but each one will be special and unique and I want to enjoy THIS one in all its glory.  So I need to take a deep breath and stop worrying, stop planning, and just enjoy.

If I’m being completely honest, the decision of when to do IVF again has been weighing on me heavily.  My heart and my head are saying two different things and that’s never good.  I’ve been praying about it and trying to gain some clarity.  This is a big decision for sure, but I’m not sure why it’s causing me such anxiety.  Hopefully I can put all IVF thoughts on hold for the time being.

Here’s to making an effort to enjoy the present and trust that God has a plan for our family…

 

 

 

Baby W is 10 months old... and life lately...

Lots on my mind, lots going on so pardon me while I ramble…

 

Baby W turned 10 months old on Sunday.  10 months!  That’s crazy.  Here’s his 10 month post:

Happy 10 months!! Wow, double digits. This past month was one of my favorites.  I think I say that every time.  You grew so much - both physically and cognitively.  At 9 months, you were crawling, but now, you are crawling all over the place and fast.  We can’t take our eyes off of you and have to use baby gates throughout the house.  You started pulling yourself up to standing and you’d much rather stand than sit these days.  Of course, booboos and ouchies accompany this milestone and you’ve already gotten a couple. L  You love when we hold your hands and help you “walk” through the house.  You also love when we help you chase Addie.  It’s nearly impossible to change your diaper lately… you roll over and start to crawl away no matter how many toys we have on hand to distract you.  Is it too soon to potty train? J  You babble and say dada, mama, and up quite often, but I don’t think you understand what these words mean just yet.  You clap, wave, give high five, and raise your arms to make the touchdown sign.  You love pulling off people’s glasses (especially daddy’s), pulling hair (mom’s), and your favorite song is currently Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (I think it may have taken the place of the beloved Cookie Monster song).  You’ve gotten quite a few giggles when you try to “sing” during church.  We’ve been trying to transition you to table foods, but you just aren’t a fan – you seem to be very sensitive to texture.  We’ll keep trying.  You can’t eat purees forever, right?  We’ve had so much fun taking you to pumpkin farms and going on family walks this month.  You bring us so much joy every day.  You are our everything and more, little man.

A has CF clinic today.  I always get a little nervous when he goes.  I get even more nervous when I can’t be with him (like today).  Hoping for good results and a good report.  Extra prayers for him, please.  The last CF clinic did not go well... but not for health related reasons.  A was annoyed that the staff seems to constantly try to change his meds despite A having no major issues and good results.  I complained about the horrible survey they sent out and they seemed very taken aback by my interpretation of the survey.  AND there’s this social worker there.  She means well and she’s nice, BUT she looks so young.  I should’ve prefaced this by saying that during CF clinic, A meets with the nurse, doctor, dietician, and social worker – it’s the standard protocol.  Anyway, back to the social worker.  When I first met her, she asked who I was.  I’ve been going with A to CF clinic for almost 10 years now… and also who the heck else would I be other than his wife?!?  Furthermore, I don’t think either one of us feel comfortable sharing our fears and concerns with someone who looks like she should be in high school.

A and I met with a new RE last night!!  I LOVED him.  Now the big question remains… When do we do IVF again?  We’re waiting to find out what exactly will be covered by insurance and that will be a major deciding factor.  But if the majority of IVF is covered by insurance, then when?  I had an arbitrary date chosen.  BUT the new RE’s confidence is causing me to question that date.  I know that confidence is a good thing, but now I’m reconsidering the timing.  The new RE was very assured and even thought it was quite likely we could have twins.  That totally threw me off… we were thinking about IVF next year - maybe even spring time because we figured there was a good possibility it would take multiple attempts to be successful.  I wasn’t even thinking twins.  If we have another baby, we absolutely have to move.  I know people think I’m ridiculous and unreasonable when I say that, but we’re out of space.  I refuse to add another person to our current house.  I discussed that in a previous post.  Now I have no idea what to do.  The previous RE was also really confident/optimistic and our first cycle failed – I know there’s still a good possibility the next cycle won’t work, but I guess I wasn’t expecting the new doctor to be so positive?  Last night I had decided that we would wait before undergoing another round of IVF.  Today, I’ve decided we’ll go with the original plan.  Uggh.  Obviously I have lots of thinking and considering to do… I should mention that A seems to be on board with whatever – he’s so easy going.  I’m not trying to leave him out by saying ‘I’m deciding’, it’s just that he doesn’t seem to have strong opinions on when the next IVF should take place, whereas I’m much more anxious/analytical/worried/stressed about the topic.

 

My car said it was 33 degrees this morning.  Umm what?!?!  I am NOT ready for winter.  I am not ready for my beloved autumn to leave.  BUT with winter comes the end of road construction…. Hmm.  At least that’s one positive.

 

I have a business dinner tonight.  I also have a sore throat and a pimple the size of Mt. Rushmore.  I’ve never seen Mt Rushmore, but it’s big, right?  Yeah, 32 years old and still dealing with pimples.  Not. Cool. L  Nothing says business professional like a huge bump…. Whaaaaa.  How embarrassing.  Okay, I know there are far worse things in life so I’ll shut up about that.

How do you know... ??

Last week I mentioned that we have an appointment in a few weeks to meet with a new RE for IVF 3.  I’m struggling with the idea of changing REs and I hope the decision becomes clear after meeting with the new RE.  I’m also really struggling with knowing when to try again.  How do you know when to add another child to your family?  I understand that no one really knows when or if it will happen, but how do you know when to start trying for another baby?

If money weren’t an issue (ha - money is ALWAYS an issue), I’d head to the nearest fertility clinic tomorrow. J  I love being a mom and I’d love for Baby W to have a sibling(s).  But obviously, it’s a lot more complicated than that.  IVF sucks.  It does.  I’m thankful that it exists, but the emotional toll it takes is really tough to deal with.  I need to figure out how to become less emotionally invested.  Not to mention all the needles, doctor’s appointments, procedures, expenses.  Then there’s the issue that if we are fortunate enough to get pregnant, we have to move.  We live in a two bedroom townhouse.  I loved it when we moved in.  I still love it and I love our neighborhood.  But there is no way I’m going to make Baby W share his teeny tiny room.  It just doesn’t seem fair to have a new baby and a toddler in the same bedroom.  We are out of space.  But given the current state of the housing market and the fact that our house is likely “underwater”, moving is going to be really difficult.  I’d love for Baby W to have a sibling close in age.  I think they’d be the best of friends.  I’m absolutely convinced I’m only capable of having boys and I think Baby W would be an amazing big brother.  But given our history, it may take several rounds of IVF to achieve a pregnancy, IF we’re even able to get pregnant.  So perhaps the sooner we get started, the better?  But then again, if the first round happens to work, are we ready to move?  Not really.  I’m so torn.  I’m keeping faith that God has a plan for us and all will work out… I just wish I knew what that plan was. ;)

Considering a new RE for IVF #3

Remember how I took Thursday off so I could tackle my to do list?  Well, one of the tasks on that list was to make an appointment with a new RE.  I was extremely nervous making that phone call.  I can’t believe we’re thinking about IVF again.  It’s both exciting and terrifying at the same time.  We’re not ready to go through another round of IVF yet, but we do want to have a plan in place for when we are ready.  Switching REs is a decision that I’m really struggling with.  It’s hard not to go with the same doctor that gave us Baby W.  Really hard.  W is perfect and I can’t help thinking that changing doctors is messing with perfection.  BUT there were a few things I didn’t like about our previous clinic.  For one, it’s big.  With several locations.  I never felt like my doctor really knew me or A.  Our first round failed.  I know my expectations were too high and a failed IVF round happens to a lot of people.  But we also didn’t end up with any embryos to freeze.  We started with 11 fertilized eggs… it just seems like we should have had more to show for that cycle.  Our second cycle was successful, but again, no frozen embryos out of 11 fertilized eggs.  During the second cycle, even though I was told my protocol would be exactly the same as the first cycle, the doctor ended up switching one of my medications at the last minute.  The switch wasn’t the result of how I was responding to the medications I was on.  As I understood it, the RE had decided much earlier that he wanted to switch medications, but the medication was never ordered for me.  As a result, I had to pay extra for the medication to be delivered same day by courier.  I remember watching the clock wondering if the medication would be delivered on time to make the injection.  It was extremely stressful.  Finally, with each round, I saw several nurses.  On retrieval day, both times, the nurses started talking about A’s “fresh sample”.  Umm…. A had a TESE, which meant we could only use a frozen sample.  It seemed like they should have known that.  Obviously, the doctor knowing was most important, but the nurses should have known too.

So, with all that, we’re meeting with a new RE from a different clinic in a few weeks.  A friend recommended this RE.  The practice is small and has slightly higher success rates.  It also happens to be a little closer to home.

When all is said and done, I plan on following my heart.  I tend to get a “feeling” when I meet people and can usually tell if we’ll be well-suited.  I hope I get a good feeling from this doctor.  If not, it’s back to the original RE.  I really liked the nurse I spoke with on the phone so I hope that’s a good indication of things to come.

IVF 2: BFP

This is going to be a long one...

I gave myself a month to recover from the failed IVF.  In that time, I did lots of research and tried to enjoy life.  I was excited to be matron of honor in a friend’s wedding and even got to enjoy some cocktails at the event since I was between IVFs.  I also mentally prepared myself for the next round of IVF.  I was very cautious about not getting excited.  Obviously, I hoped IVF 2 would be successful, but I remained indifferent and reminded myself that there was a good possibility we’d have to participate in a third round of IVF or even a fourth.  I treated the cycle as more of a procedure rather than a potentially life changing event.  I even had a job interview during that time.  I’m proud of how calm and grounded I was able to remain.  I can be quite passionate so this was a major accomplishment.

I started IVF 2 in late March.  The injections, multiple blood draws, and ultrasounds were similar to the first round.  There was one very stressful evening when the doctor decided to switch up one of my medications at the last minute.  I was literally waiting for a courier to deliver the hCG medication minutes before I was supposed to make the injection.  Not cool.  And I should mention the medication switch wasn’t due to how I was responding; the doctor just preferred one type over another.

Retrieval day arrived and the RE was able to obtain 20 eggs.  I was excited to make it to the 20s.  I had to remind the nurse that we’d be using frozen swimmers and we were doing a 3 day transfer.  She seemed surprised by the 3 day transfer and asked if that was what I really wanted.  The apparent lack of communication has persuaded me to schedule a consultation with another clinic before going through IVF again, but that’s an entirely different post.

I received the fertility report when we went in for transfer.  12 eggs were mature and 11 fertilized.  This time, A came with me (we didn’t even have to take the day off of work because transfer fell on a Saturday… woohoo!).  The embryologist sat and talked with us before transfer and I appreciated that he took time to explain the embryo grades (the previous time, it had been a quick 10 second report before I was whisked off for transfer).  He said that he thought our embryos looked better this time around and was hopeful we’d have some to freeze.  Great news, but I wasn’t getting my hopes up.  Transfer was smoother than it had been for IVF 1.  Hubs really enjoyed getting to watch the embryos being transferred (there’s a screen that shows the embryos being removed from the dish and being placed) and I enjoyed his support.

For IVF 1, I rested quite a bit (as recommended) after transfer.  This time around, I rested less.  I didn’t do anything crazy, but I also didn’t put my life on hold.  I went to brunch the following day and to a baseball game two days later.  The baseball game was so much fun.  Hubs and I went with two friends who are hilarious.  I think I laughed through the whole game and I’m now convinced this helped with implantation.  The next few days I was crampy and bloated and absolutely convinced that the second IVF was also a bust.  It didn’t help that the embryologist called to tell us that once again we had no embryos make it to freeze.  So disappointing.  But I wasn’t completely devastated like I had been with IVF 1 since I knew what to expect.  I had also accepted a job offer just before transfer so I told myself that perhaps it just wasn’t my time for a baby.  I really do think everything happens for a reason and I figured I’d immerse myself in my new job and wait a few months before undergoing yet another round of IVF.

Making it to one week post transfer was an accomplishment for me since my cycle had started at that point after the first transfer.  I think it was 9 days post transfer when I was getting ready to hop in the shower.  On a whim, I decided to take a pregnancy test.  At this point the hCG from the trigger shot should have been out of my system, but I also knew it was really early so there was still hope even if it turned out negative.  I peed on the stick and set the test on the bathroom counter.  The first line showed up right away and I thought that was it.  I turned on the water and grabbed a towel.  Right before hopping in the shower, I glanced at the stick and saw a faint second line.  Oh my gosh!  I wrapped the towel around myself and ran downstairs to tell A.  We were both excited, but we knew this was just the beginning and we still had a long road ahead.

I was scheduled for beta 13 days post transfer.  The morning before the blood draw, I decided to take another pregnancy test.  I wanted to be prepared for the news… if it was still positive that was great, but if it was now negative, I knew I’d probably receive bad news.  I promised A I’d let the phone call from the clinic got to voicemail so we could listen to the results together.  Besides, if it was bad news, I didn’t want to be alone.

The call came early.  I recognized the number right away and my phone soon showed that I had a voicemail waiting.  Seeing the voicemail notification and not listening to that message was incredibly difficult.  THEN, another call from the SAME number came that afternoon.  Oh no!  What should I do?!?  I hadn’t expected TWO phone calls!!  Why would they call twice??  What if something was wrong and the nurse really needed to talk to me??  If something was wrong, maybe it was best to listen with A anyway.  I let that call go to voicemail as well.

I FINALLY got home from work and A and I both sat on the couch staring at my phone in anticipation.  I was so so so nervous.  I hit the play button.  The first message was from one of my favorite nurses at the clinic.  She asked that I call her back as soon as possible.  Oh no!!  What if they didn’t want to leave my results in a message?  I hadn’t even thought about that scenario.  I looked at A wide eyed… I HAD to know what the results were TODAY and the clinic was definitely closed by now.  I hit play on the second message.  The same nurse explained that she was hoping to talk to me to give me the good news… my beta was 299… a really great number.  She congratulated us and said I’d need to come in for an ultrasound.

Again, I knew that this was just the beginning.  We had a long way to go and I didn’t want to get too excited yet, but I was extremely hopeful and happy.

During the next few weeks, I took things one day at a time.  I didn’t want to look too far into the future and was happy to be pregnant with each passing week.  Every Wednesday was a victory because it marked another week pregnant.  Every ultrasound and blood test brought positive news much to my relief and I was so so thankful to be carrying our perfect baby.

Our WTF Appointment

After IVF 1 failed, we had a follow up appointment with the RE (what many IVFers refer to as the WTF appointment).  He thought things had gone well from my perspective and wanted to keep the same protocol for IVF 2.  He explained that because embryo development looked great until day 3 and slowed down after, there may be a problem with the sperm.  Apparently, an embryo failing to develop really early on is indicative of egg problems, whereas an embryo arresting after day 3 is indicative of sperm issues.  As a result, the RE recommended a 3 day transfer for IVF 2.  He said sometimes embryos just do better in vivo as opposed to in the lab.  He also mentioned that sperm quality can vary quite a bit among vials and he hoped that the vial used for IVF 2 would contain higher quality sperm.  Finally, he said that we could begin IVF 2 right away.  I knew I just wasn’t ready.  I was still so heartbroken and wanted to be in the right state of mind for the next IVF.  I wanted to give my mind and body time to heal.  I decided we’d wait at least a month before going through IVF again.
I should also mention that we're lucky enough to live in a state that requires insurance companies to cover IVF.  There are exceptions and limitations to coverage.  I think it's absurd that not every state requires insurance companies to cover IVF.

IVF 1: BFN

In December 2011, I had a saline infusion sonohystogram and a mock transfer.  I friend warned me that it may be uncomfortable, even painful.  It was definitely uncomfortable, but luckily I had no pain.  The RE had trouble with the mock transfer and I had to drink a couple glasses of water.  With a full bladder, he was able to complete the mock transfer.  My RE was very optimistic and confident about the impending January IVF and I was very hopeful and excited about expanding our family.

I was told I’d be following the antagonist protocol.  I began receiving all my IVF meds in the mail and was surprised by the amount of drugs.  I’m not sure on the exact dates, but I began injections in very early January – possibly 1/1/12.  The first injection was the hardest.  I thought I was ready.  I never really had trouble receiving shots and wasn’t very worried.  But then again, I was never giving them to myself!  The night I did the first injection, I stood at the kitchen sink for several minutes with the needle aimed at my abdomen.  A stood next to me encouraging me.  I had watched YouTube videos and thought I was prepared, but suddenly I was terrified.  With tears in my eyes, I told A that I didn’t want to do it.  I started to panic.  A asked me if I wanted him to give the injection.  Absolutely not.  If anyone was going to stab me with a needle, it was going to be me.  After a few several minutes, I asked A to leave.  For some reason, it was easier to do the injection alone.  I finally worked up the courage, gave myself the injection, and yelled to A, “I did it; I did it!”.  There were several more injections over an approximate 10 day span.  There were also many ultrasounds and blood draws in between.  I believe I was on Menopur, Ganirelex, Follistim, and Lupron at some point, but I’d have to review the paperwork to be sure (there were so many meds to keep track of).

Finally the day of retrieval arrived.  I was scared out of my mind.  I like being in control of situations and was terrified of being asleep during the procedure.  A was with me as I prepped for surgery (is it technically a surgery??).  The anesthesiologist came for me.  He told me sit a certain way and I remember staring at him blankly.  I was so scared I couldn’t even comprehend what he was saying.  He actually had to take hold of my shoulders and move me to the correct position.  The procedure was uneventful and 17 eggs were retrieved.  I was so relieved when it was over and A laughed at me as I came out of anesthesia.  We were both happy and hopeful.  I asked the nurse if I could take off the cap because “it wasn’t very fashionable” and I was very excited about my ginger ale… “my favorite!!”.

A couple days later, I received a call from the clinic and was told that 11 eggs fertilized and I’d have a 5 day transfer.  Great news!  I envisioned having lots of frozen embryos left over in case this transfer was unsuccessful.  I also assumed the transfer would be relatively easy and told A there was no need for him to take the day off of work to be with me during transfer.  I would go by myself.  Looking back, this was a huge mistake.

I went in for transfer nervous, but optimistic.  The embryologist came in to discuss the procedure.  She told me that we only had one embryo reach the blastocyst stage.  Wait, what?!?!  I was shocked.  What did they mean only one?  We had started with 11 embryos.  How did we only have 1?!?!  Everything had been going so well until this point.  The plan was to transfer the 1 blast and 1 morula.  They would wait one more day to see if the other embryos continued to develop and become blastocysts.  If not, we’d have none to freeze.

Transfer was really difficult.  The RE had trouble getting the catheter in place and had to try several times.  It was extremely uncomfortable.  Even more so with a full bladder.  He was eventually successful.  I think a lot of clinics have you rest after transfer?  Mine did not and I was on my way home soon after the procedure was complete.

The following night, the embryologist called.  We’d been waiting all day for the phone call.  We finally got it at 9 pm and I knew in my heart that it was bad news.  A answered and received the news.  No embryos to freeze.  Not even one.  I was devastated.  More than devastated, really.  Shattered.  Crushed.  I cried and cried.  It seemed like all those injections, blood draws, ultrasounds were for nothing.  A complete waste of time and money.  Out of 17 eggs and 11 embryos, we had only 1 blastocyst and nothing to freeze.  I tried to tell myself we wouldn’t need frozen embryos if the transfer worked, but I was still upset.  I didn’t even make it to the pregnancy test… my cycle started early.  Those who’ve battled infertility know that BFN stands for big fat negative, but I never even saw my big fat negative.  I had been so sure this IVF was going to work.  So sure we’d be celebrating a positive pregnancy test and planning for a baby.  And now we were back at square one.

For me, there’s nothing worse than building my hopes up and letting me down.  And this was the ultimate disappointment.