Afterwards

A and I have both had a tough time since the miscarriage.  There have been many nights of tears, many discussions questioning the meaning or the point of all of this.  We were both left feeling deeply saddened and not sure how to recover.  And while we know that time heals, we've been so anxious to feel better and move on.  We both function better when we are distracted, but after the boys are in bed, it's so difficult not to think of the failure and the pain we've experienced.  We even joked that my usual retail therapy and A’s Cubs games weren’t making us feel any better.

I’m obviously heartbroken that A and I had to go through this.  But at the same time, I can’t imagine going through it with anyone else.  A has been my rock.  Most times, I didn’t even have to say anything because I knew A understood my thoughts and feelings.  A asked if I had discussed our situation with anyone.  I hadn’t and I honestly had/have no desire to.  I know people who have gone through miscarriage, but in their case, it wasn’t final.  They still had the opportunity to expand their family, to try again.  I knew they couldn’t relate to me or the sorrow that I felt.

I was prepared for our cycle to fail.  I definitely wasn’t prepared for a miscarriage.  In my mind, it was either going to work from the start or it wasn’t.  I realize now how naïve I was.

It’s been incredibly frustrating trying to learn something from this experience.  Right now, there are no takeaways for me.  It just seems incredibly unfair.  I’ve also been very angry, but I don’t have anyone to direct my anger at.  I’m angry at how this cycle turned out.  Angry at my body.  Angry at CF.  (I REALLY hate CF right now.)  Angry that crappy parents can have children so easily.  Angry at the world.  I even told A that it feels like I have nothing to look forward to.  I KNOW that’s not true at all.  But that is how I felt afterwards.  And don’t even get me started on the awful cramps that occurred as a result of the miscarriage.

I thought a failed cycle would bring closure.  I thought I'd be able to accept that a third child was just not in the cards for us, that we tried everything, and that would be that.  Instead, I feel so much worse.  Maybe closure and acceptance will come eventually, but right now it feels so far away.

The way this happened is still infuriating to me and I still have so many questions.  Why did it have to end this way?  Why be pregnant for such a short time?  Why did I feel the need to do this?  Why do I feel like my family isn’t complete?  Why didn’t God protect me from all of this pain?

I hope to have answers some day...