Friday Thoughts

Happy Friday!!  Happy Mother’s Day!  And if you’re still waiting for your miracle baby, don’t give up hope.

W has been entertaining as always.  He loves talking on the phone.  But not just any phone – the house phone.  We use our home phone so infrequently, I don’t even know our phone number so I guess it’s great that someone appreciates it.  Yesterday, W got so excited while talking on the phone, he fell over and in the process, disconnected it.  His chat with Nani Wednesday made me laugh hysterically.  A few highlights:

Nani:  It’s garbage night for me.  I took out the garbage cans.

W: Oh!  I thought Papa would do that.

W:  I had soup for lunch – chicken and stars!

Nani:  I had soup too!  Corn chowder.

W:  Corn powder?!?  I don’t know about that!

Yesterday, I had to take W to the eye doctor for a follow up appointment.  He’s been battling a cold and I knew he was tired.  He had a little meltdown before leaving the house and I sympathized.  I would rather stay home and lay on the couch too.  But once we got to the eye doctor, he did amazing.  The assistant asked him to play the matching game, basically matching letters.  Well, W didn’t need to match the letters because he knows all of them and could name each one the assistant pointed to.  The assistant was so impressed.  She turned to me and whispered, “I have several 5 year olds who come in and don’t know letters.”  Super proud.  And super impressed with the staff there.  They're always so great with W.  I got so many compliments on how beautiful his hair was, how smart he was, how handsome he was, how well behaved he was, and even how cute my shirt was – I’m telling you, if you need a confidence boost, pay a visit to W’s eye doctor. ;)  He ended the appointment by getting to choose a toy from the treasure chest.

W starts soccer tomorrow.  Will he participate?  Will it be a total disaster?  Time will tell...

My Mother’s Day is off to a great start.  When I picked up W from preschool yesterday, he gave me a little hand print and poem and told me it was for Mother’s Day.  Aww… his little pictures never get old.  I love them.  And I’m so impressed that he told me it was for Mother’s Day.  The picture was adorable, but the best part was when W said, “Mommy, there wasn’t any red paint.”  He knows red is my favorite color, but he had to settle for green paint.  So sweet!

This morning, I came into work to find that the guys had brought in bagels, donuts, juice, and flowers for all the moms.  So kind.

Choosing a School

So let’s talk school for littles.  I realize that no one (besides me) will be interested in this post, but it always helps me to write out my thoughts.  And this is going to be a long one (sorry).  I had no idea that selecting classes and schools would be so difficult…

Remember how W got off to such a rough start at preschool?  So.many.tears. (from both of us)  And then finally.  Finally, we got to a point where I could leave and he was fine.  He’d usually tell me about his day afterwards.  But I’ve been noticing for quite a while that when I pick him up, he’s playing by himself.  He’s a completely different kid at school.  In a sense, this is ok.  He can let loose (to an extent) at home, but he should follow directions and rules at school.  The school that W attends is a play based preschool.  He can basically choose what he wants to do, but sections of the classroom are “closed” at certain times.  When I pick him up, I’ve noticed him either by himself, observing others or sitting quietly doing a puzzle.  His teachers have even asked if he talks at home and I’ve told them he basically doesn’t stop talking at home.  A and I have talked to W about school quite a bit and on a few occasions, he’s told us that he doesn’t play with the other kids because he doesn’t want to get hit.  Heartbreaking.  And for the record, I don’t think hitting happens very often at all.  But W remembers EVERYTHING and an incident must have stuck in his mind.  I also think W may be a bit bored at school.  There are multiple sections/stations, but he’s done them all and I think he’s ready for a new challenge.  He’s also the type that doesn’t necessarily participate unless he’s encouraged to do so.  He prefers to stand back and take everything in.

With all that in mind, I signed W up for preschool next year and enrolled him in a 3-5 year old class.  My thought was that perhaps he’d enjoy playing with older kids and that he’d engage more.  W is one of the eldest in his current class.  When his teacher and the director realized that W was signed up for the 3-5 class, they approached me and strongly recommended I switch him to the 3 year old class.  So I did.  And now I’m having second thoughts.  Their reasoning was that W needed to develop further socially and they believed he’d be overwhelmed in the 3-5 class.  While I think that W does in fact need to develop his social skills, I also recognize that he may prefer playing with older children (who do not hit, are able to pretend/imagine, communicate better, etc…).  After talking to a few friends who have taught preschool, they suggested that W would be just fine in the 3-5 room, believing that he would have kids to look up to and recommended switching him back.

A attended W’s conference last week and told me it went as expected, but that it also made him sad.  When I read through the report, I was sad too and maybe even a tad offended… It just didn’t sound like W.  The report said that W was very well behaved and followed directions, but that he also didn’t always respond when spoken to and was clumsy.  I agree that he can be clumsy, but I just thought his clumsiness was on account of being a 3 year old boy.  Not responding when spoken to, however, is not typical behavior for him.  The report said that he needed to work on his motor skills, which was also news to me.  It also indicated that he should participate in activities more.  I agree, but I think more of an effort could be made is persuading him to join said activities.

I’m just incredibly frustrated by it all.  A and I chose this particular school after much consideration and research and I still feel that it could be a good fit.  They were very patient with W (and me) at the beginning of the school year when W was having a tough time.  And after such a rough start, I think switching schools would negatively impact W.  I also realize it’s quite possible that we’d face the same challenges (shy, withdrawn) at any school we chose.

Also, what W may lack in social skills and motor skills (apparently), he makes up for academically.  He recognizes all letters – upper and lower case and knows several sounds they make.  Yesterday, he was eating alphabet soup and told me that ‘O’ was for onward.  Whaaa?!?  He spells his name, S’s name, mom, and love… which I think is pretty good for a 3 year old (I realize he’s just memorized the letters, but still, he realizes that letters have sounds and that letters strung together make words).  I definitely think play is important, but I’d also love for preschool to teach him since he seems to show an interest in learning.  He’s very inquisitive and always wants to know how things work.

And then there’s grade school.  Ha- you thought I’d be wrapping up this post with preschool, didn’t you?  But wait, there’s more…

A and I were pretty set on sending W to Catholic school.  The nearest Catholic school is right down the road and we just thought it would be a good fit for him both academically and spiritually.  A and I both grew up Catholic and attend Catholic church every Sunday.  A grew up in the Catholic school system and as far as I can tell, thinks highly of the education he received.  While I need to look further into the reviews and performance of this particular school, what I’ve read so far is promising.

Then I made the mistake of reading the handbook.  The strict rules and demerits were all news to me.  I grew up in the public school system, which worked out just fine and I’m a firm believer that you only get out of education what you put into it.  Those who make the effort flourish and those who don’t will not do well no matter what school they attend.  But I digress… I read the handbook and all the requirements for uniforms, socks, shoes, haircuts even.  Upon seeing this, I sent A a series of texts that went something like… OMG… he can only wear black shoes??   Only certain socks??  Are we stifling his creativity and originality??  This sounds like boot camp.  What if all these rules result in him rebelling??  I can’t choose his cute, preppy clothes anymore??  What if, what if… A reminded me that he turned out ok, that he never felt like the rules were unfair or repressed his ingenuity, that he had a good experience, and he basically told me to chill the heck out. J  And after a long discussion with A, I do feel better.  But still.  So much to think about.

Also… yes, there’s even more.  The Catholic school offers preschool.  But the class size is gigantic from what I understand.  W has two more years of preschool so we’re entertaining the idea of sending him to preschool at the Catholic school as a transition to kindergarten.  But then again, he’s finally getting comfortable at his current preschool and I don’t want to derail that.  And despite my concerns, I do genuinely like his current preschool.  Ahhhh….

I’m praying that we make the right decision for W and this will all work out.  A and I have agreed to wait and see how the summer goes.  We’ll take note of who (if anyone) he plays with and whether he prefers kids the same age or older kids.  We’ve also signed him up for soccer and are planning on enrolling him in swimming and possibly gymnastics.  I’m curious to see if he’s more relaxed/comfortable in these settings or if he’ll remain quiet like he is in school.

Weekend Recap and My Kid Will Never Be Potty Trained

You know the weather has been especially bad when your three year old exclaims, “Mommy, the sun is shining!  We have to get out for a walk!” at 6pm and you’re all for it, despite the temperature being frigid.  That’s how our weekend began.  Friday night pizza followed by a chilly walk around the neighborhood.

Saturday was just miserable weather-wise.  Rain all day long.  The boys kept busy by building a blanket fort.  W and I went grocery shopping while S napped.  There are few things worse than trying to get your toddler into his car seat and groceries into the car in the pouring rain.  Yuck.  A and I finished the night by lounging on the couch watching old episodes of New Girl.

He asked to go grocery shopping about 10 times and finally I agreed.  Now I know why - the free cookie!!

 Sunday was also drizzly and gloomy, but at least the rain wasn’t constant.  After church, Starbucks, and another blanket fort, we decided to go out for late lunch/early dinner.  We went to one of my favorite Mexican restaurants where W ordered chicken fingers and fries and S chowed on enchilada and refried beans.  These two – opposites in so many ways.  Once we got home, we decided to take advantage of the fact that it wasn’t raining and headed out for another cold family walk.

Blanket forts for the win!

In other news, I don’t think W will ever be potty trained.  A and I convinced him to wear underwear a few times over the weekend, which was a major feat.  I’d ask him if he had to go potty, he’d tell me no, and I kid you not, 30 seconds later, he would pee his pants.  I don’t understand how someone can stand up in the bathtub when he has to pee and proceed to do so (despite my attempts to convince him that bathing in your own pee is really gross) while laughing hysterically, but can’t recognize he has to pee when specifically asked.  Uggghhhhhhh.  There are two things I really dreaded about parenting – potty training and loose teeth.  My potty training anxiety has proven legitimate.  At least we have awhile before teeth start falling out.

Friday Thoughts

Happy Friday!!

I survived my business trip (and so did A!).  Despite it raining in both Chicago and Cincinnati, by some miracle, my flights were on time.  It was such a relief!!  I was thrilled to make it home in time to see the boys before they went to bed.  My meetings were productive and I enjoyed one of the best dinners I’ve ever had while in Cincinnati so definitely a good trip!

I feel like a broken record, but it has been another cold, rainy week here in Chicago.  Enough is enough, Mother Nature!!

Have I ever mentioned W’s garbage obsession?  Because if I haven’t, I really need to.  W discusses garbage every.single.day.  Any time we leave the house, he wants to look in the garbage and recycling bins in the garage.  He looks for the recycle symbol on every single product and lets me know what I should be recycling.  He plays with his toy garbage truck and bins every day.  Friday isn’t Friday to him, it’s garbage day.  If we’re playing outside, he will literally roll the recycle bin from the garage into the drive way and play garbage day.  Every Friday, upon waking, he immediately runs into our bedroom and insists we open the blinds so he can see all the garbage/recycling bins in the neighborhood.  He asks grandma and Nani if their garbage bins are full.  He looks at all the garbage bins in the neighborhood to see if they are overfilled or missing a lid.  OBSESSED.

My two favorite pictures of the week… W’s preschool photo and S and his bear #twinning

National Infertility Awareness Week

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  I’ve debated writing a post on it for many reasons.  Mainly, I don’t feel like I fit into the typical infertile category (as if there is such a thing).  Because A has CF, I knew even before we were married that IVF would likely be our only option for biological children.  In a strange way, I feel like I deserved to struggle because I knew what I was getting myself into.  I brought this on myself.  I was lucky enough to have insurance that covered the majority of the costs associated with infertility treatments and I was fortunate to come out on the winning end of infertility - twice.  But that doesn’t mean I didn’t struggle.  In fact, I still do.

Our first failed IVF is still clear and present in my mind.  The pain.  The uncertainty.  The fear.  It was the first time I realized that it was quite possible I would never be a mom.  Ironically, I believe that pain and uncertainty has made me a better mom.  I appreciate my boys more because of the adversity I faced.

I still struggle when friends announce pregnancies and share photos of new babies.  Even though I have my boys, the process to get them was difficult and with each announcement comes the reminder of that difficulty.  Even tougher, each announcement brings the reminder that I likely will not have any more children despite my heart's desire.  And all the while, it’s seemingly so darn easy for others to have an entire brood... multiple children, one right after another.

In those brief moments of sadness, I say a prayer and ask for strength.  I allow myself to take a step back and separate myself from the fertile world as needed.  Sometimes avoiding Facebook posts and pictures for a short time is all it takes and then I’m back to feeling like myself.  And I always, always remind myself that not one person has it all.  That while friends may have an easy time expanding their family, they are undoubtedly struggling with something else.  And though their struggles may look different from mine, they are struggling nonetheless.  We all are.

Weekend Recap

Another weekend where we had nothing planned.  I’m loving these.  Not much to report.  We spent much of the weekend outside since the weather was beautiful.  The boys love being outdoors – to the point where S often throws a tantrum when we come inside.  There were walks, bubbles, park trips, and tee ball.  The weekend also included a few errands per usual.  We changed things up and took the boys out to breakfast/lunch after church on Sunday.  All in all, it was a good weekend.

Tomorrow I leave for a work trip to Cincinnati.  It’s just overnight, but every time I travel to/from Cincy, my flight is delayed.  We’ll see what happens.  I’m really hoping I make it home to say goodnight to the boys on Wednesday.

What else… Oh!  I think we’ve made a breakthrough in S sleeping through the night!  Will discuss this more in an upcoming post, but previously S would sleep through the night once a week and we’re at about 5-6 times per week.  Yay!!  Hope I didn’t jinx it… there’s an understood rule that thou shalt not mention thy toddler sleeping well… eek!

We’re really struggling with schooling options for W.  Or maybe it’s just me who’s struggling.  I’ll do a whole post on this as well.  We’re trying to decide on which preschool class will be best and also where to send W for grade school.  I’m probably putting too much thought into it – after all, if the class we sign him up for isn’t working out, we could find a different class/school/etc., but ugh… I want to get it right the first time and I want W to thrive. :\

One of the best things my mom ever did for me...

I love that FB shows memories from a specific date for past years.  I always find myself reminiscing and I’m awed by how little my boys once were and how much they’ve grown in a short time.  I'm also embarrassed by how many posts start with "C is going..." or "C is doing...".  Why did I talk about myself in third person??

Anyway.

FB recently reminded me that I left my second real job 5 years ago.  It was a job I loathed and I’m still bitter about some of my experiences there.

I took the job because I believed it would allow me to learn a lot more about drug products and their associated test methods.  It was for a much, much bigger company regarded as one of the top places to work.  I also thought it would provide many opportunities for growth along the way.  I quickly learned that while this may be true for some, it was certainly not the case for me.

The job I came from (my first real job) was very much research and development driven.  The work was interesting and changed daily.  I loved the team I worked with and they pushed me to learn more and do more.  I grew so much in a short period of time.  But the company itself was very, very small and only specialized in a narrow field of the pharmaceutical industry.  I knew that in order to progress, I needed to leave.

Enter big pharma and my most miserable job experience ever.  From the start, the work was incredibly boring.  Every day consisted of the same routine test methods.  I was assigned to a specific project and that was it.  There was never an opportunity to work on another project or a different test method, experiencing something new.  It was the same monotonous work day in and day out.  There were a few improvement type teams to join, but they were still related to the laboratory and department.

And the people.  I made some friends and stuck with that group.  But many of my colleagues were minions, happy to do the same thing over and over again.  People who would be content staying at the same company, doing the same repetitious work for a lifetime.  And these same people got promoted because they had been at the company so darn long and were so “experienced”, but the majority lacked any real managerial skills.

My “goals” were never actually my own, but company goals.  It was all about expanding the business and continuing to do your job, never thinking outside of the box.  I realize that it IS a business, a profitable business at that, and expanding the business is important and necessary, but not at the expense of employee growth.  [In related news, this company has not developed any of its own drugs in quite some time despite having a drug discovery group.  Their blockbuster drug is the result of an acquisition.  Go figure.]

After a year of misery, I approached my manager and explained that I was interested in staying within the pharma industry, but perhaps would be a better fit for a different department.   She told me that she would support me, but it was very clear that her “support” meant that I’d have to find my own way out.  I scheduled meetings with managers in other departments I was interested in and applied to a certificate program and then a graduate program.  Luckily, the company had tuition reimbursement – one of the few perks I was able to take advantage of.  I kept my boss informed along the way, but there was never any effort made in actually giving me work related to the fields I was interested in and studying.  The mindset was that I was still a scientist and my job would always be in the laboratory as long as I stayed in the department.

My “friends” suggested that I was the problem.  That I wouldn’t be happy anywhere and that I was just a complainer.  I knew differently.  I knew I really liked my first job and that I just didn’t fit in here.  I needed work that was challenging and interesting.  Work that involved strategy and insight and allowed me to utilize my writing skills instead of following the same procedures day in and day out.  Funny – those “friends” stopped inviting me to gatherings and belittled me after I left.

The lowest point came from a conversation in an elevator (of all places).  A colleague told me that he’d be training me to work in the controlled drug lab.  Wait, what?  I had zero interest in learning more laboratory practices and my manager certainly hadn’t mentioned anything to me.  When I approached her, she confirmed that it was true.  I was being groomed to work with controlled substances.  How very professional for me to hear of my new career path through small talk in an elevator.  When I asked why I was selected for this training, seeing as it had nothing to do with my interests or studies and would actually push me further away from my goals, I was told it was because management knew I could do it.

I went home that night and sobbed.  I’ve never felt so stuck in a job and so hopeless.  Quitting was not an option.  For one, it’s not my nature to give up and give in.  That’s just not me.  And two, A had recently completed student teaching (an unpaid stint) and was now working as a teaching assistant (a very low paying stint).  We were newlyweds with a new mortgage and plenty of bills.  We needed my income in order to pay for our house and necessities.

Luckily, a short time later, after applying for nearly 100 jobs, I finally landed a new one.  This was during the time when the economy was absolutely awful and jobs were extremely difficult to come by.  The new job paid exactly the same as my current position, but I was desperate to get out and didn’t care that there would be no pay increase.  The problem?  I’d have to pay back the $9000 I had racked up in tuition while pursuing my graduate certificate.  It was ironic – I needed the classes to get the new job, but I didn’t have the $9000 that would allow me to leave my current job.  And that’s when my mom came to my rescue.  She knew how unhappy I was and offered to pay my tuition, letting me know that I could pay her back whenever I had the funds.  She wouldn’t allow me stay at a position I despised any longer.

Since then, I’ve enjoyed the jobs I’ve had.  This month, I’ll celebrate 4 years with my current company.  A company that has also been named as one of the top places to work and is actually deserving of the title.  I still can’t figure out how the previous company achieved that honor?  I can only assume other departments were more fulfilling or that the survey was taken by those in the highest level positions.  I know that in the 3 long years I was there, I was never once asked about job satisfaction.

I’m thankful to be where I’m at today (even if it means I haven’t gotten to Ireland ;)).  Working for a company that challenges me, offers flexibility, has very knowledgeable, genuine employees, and pays twice as much as that previous job.  Live and learn… and thank you for saving me at one of my lowest points, mom! J