Not Meant To Be

I mentioned previously that I found out our insurance should cover one more round of IVF.  It seemed unlikely given all the steps we'd have to take, but before we could make a decision, A and I wanted to speak to our RE.  I had a ton of questions and I was just hoping for answers and perhaps some sort of closure.  I really believe in having all of the information, all of the facts before making decisions (especially really big ones!!).  That's the scientist in me.

I called my nurse, explained the situation and requested a consultation.  She told me that I'd need to have an ultrasound and blood work done before she could set up an appointment with the RE.  I protested saying that that may not even be necessary based on the conversation with the doctor, but she said he wouldn't even see me unless I had the tests done.  The ultrasound would give the RE an idea of ovarian reserve and he could better determine our chances of success should we decide to proceed with IVF.  If I'm being honest, I think it's also a way to charge me for yet another visit (a $35 copay each time in addition to procedural costs is getting old fast).  I was frustrated, but also understand the importance of the doctor having all of the information.  After all, that is what I was seeking.

I went in for what I assumed was a routine appointment and was annoyed that I had to be there more than anything.  I wasn't even thinking about the appointment itself.  During the ultrasound my nurse told me I only had 11 antral follicles, which is on the low side.  Wait, what?!?!  Antral follicles are an indication of how many eggs you can produce during IVF.  I wasn't expecting any information to come from the nurse and my count was on the low side??  I've NEVER been on the low side.  I thought hard about the last time this type of ultrasound was performed and the number 29 stuck in my head.  That couldn't be right, could it??  I wasn't sure of the number, but I was sure that my count had always been on the high side.  I was shocked and numb.  The nurse told me that if there was even a slight chance of proceeding with IVF, I really needed to begin supplements now in an attempt to improve egg quality.  She went on to explain the TESE procedure and tell me about the doctor who could perform that, but I couldn't even listen to what she was saying.  I was just shocked.

As soon as I left the office, I had to look up what my antral follicle count was previously (3 years ago).  29.  It was 29!!!  How did I go from 29 to 11?!?  And how did a routine appointment turn into a revelation that my fertility has greatly decreased in a relatively short amount of time??  I know fertility decreases with age, but that drastically?!?  I don't even feel old...  I had to fight back tears as I drove home.  I texted A and told him I felt so defeated.  Everything seems to be working against me.

More and more, it seems clear that baby 3 is not meant to be. :(  We meet with the RE in a month.  I'm very curious to hear his thoughts.