Lately

Merry Christmas to all (who celebrate)!

I've been off work since Wednesday and it's been wonderful.  Slow mornings, errands, and lots of gift wrapping have filled our days.

I got to spend W's birthday with him.  It was a crazy busy day, but I so enjoyed it.  After dropping W off at school, S and I headed to the mall to pick up my ring, which had to be repaired.  From there, we met up with my mom and my aunt for coffee.  My aunt and uncle recently visited Italy and I loved hearing about their trip.  Italy is definitely on my bucket list of places to visit.  After that, we picked W up from school and he chose Olive Garden for lunch.  From there, we picked up A and headed to the local Children's Museum.  The boys had an absolute blast!  When I tucked W in for the night, he told me "this was the funnest day!"  Mission accomplished. :)  His birthday is always bittersweet for me, but I'm so happy we all had a great day!

Other than that, I've been living off of Christmas cookies.  I should be ashamed of the amount I've eaten, but tis the season and they're so yummy.  On a related note, I've decided that 2018 will be about getting myself back.  I want to feel good about myself.  I'd like to start exercising and I need a job change.  That may mean finding a new job or finding a way to change my current responsibilities, but somehow I need a change.  I did apply for another position within the company.  I don't think I have any chance of getting the job, but it felt so good to apply.  It gave me hope and served as a reminder that I won't be in my current situation forever.

So that's life lately.  I'm really looking forward to Christmas and I think the boys are going to be so excited with their gifts.  I always tell myself I won't go overboard and somehow I always do.  My credit card is not happy with me (another 2018 goal...).

Happy holidays!!

W at Five

W turns 5 tomorrow.

First of all, I can’t even believe I’m writing about W at 5.  I sound like a broken record, but 5 just seems SO old to me.  No longer a baby or a toddler, he’s a school aged boy.  It breaks my heart a little.

W still amazes us with his memory and the minute details he can recall.  A and I often wonder if he has a photographic memory.  He’ll bring up a broken light in a parking lot we encountered 9 months ago or casually mention that Uncle Brian brought over his race-car bed when he was 2 and we had to take Addie for a walk so she wasn’t in the way.  He’ll notice when a neighbor gets a new mailbox or that a specific house places their garbage cans on either side of the driveway instead of adjacent to each other.  He asked me why he had two hospital bracelets when he was a newborn and A and I joked that he probably remembered being in the hospital.

 W loves to build and create neighborhoods.  He often plays with blocks at school.  He can see a picture of a magna-tile creation and recreate it.  He’s very good at understanding spatial arrangement and I still think he’ll be an engineer someday. 

 He seems to have an amazing ability for math, but can’t really explain how he came up with an answer.  For instance, we mentioned that the date was Friday, December 8.  He replied, “then next Friday is the 15^th”.  When we asked how he knew that, he just said he knew.  My mom’s cousin sent us coasters and he told my mom that she could have five of them.  Knowing that there were 10 altogether, I asked why grandma got five.  He replied, “I thought she’d get half.”  And then there are other times in which I’ll ask a simple problem (5+2) and he’ll spout off an incorrect answer without thinking.  I’m not sure if he’s bored with my question and didn’t take the time to think it through.  It’s a bit strange, but I have a feeling that he’ll excel at math one day and I’m excited for him to learn more in kindergarten.

He seems to prefer to talk to adults and can be very shy around other kids.  He has a silly side, but seems more serious than other kids and is definitely sensitive.  He seems to have a large vocabulary and will use words such: ridiculous, evidently, confused, assume, etc…

W is still garbage truck obsessed and greets our recycle man and garbage man every Friday with treats (I’m not sure who looks forward to it more – they’re basically BFFs).  His garbage trucks and mini garbage cans are his favorite toys by far.  He’s also discovered how to find garbage truck videos on You Tube and watches them daily.

Along with garbage trucks, W also loves owls.  He has a collection of owls and all have names.  He often makes up stories about them and his beloved Mommy Owl is usually the lead character.  He also has quite a few other owl items including: shirts, blankets, pajamas, books, and ornaments.

He seems to enjoy dressing up and looking “spiffy” and gets confused when I set out “comfy clothes” to wear.  I absolutely love this about him and never tire of choosing outfits. 

He told me that when he grows up, he wants kids.  “I’ll have 4 kids - 2 boys and 2 girls.  And I guess I have to find a woman.  Maybe you can be the mommy because Grandma will be too old.”  I didn’t have the heart to tell him it doesn’t really work that way, but I promised I’d watch his 4 children. J

He is still a picky eater, but has been more willing to try new foods.  Favorite foods are pizza, homemade mac and cheese (which he basically makes himself), ramen, and Starbucks bagels.

I’m so proud of him and so very grateful to be his mom.

Weekend Recap

I felt like last week would never end.  I even worked after the boys were in bed 3 of the 5 days.  Needless to say, Friday couldn’t come soon enough.  I couldn’t wait to plant myself in front of the tv for Live PD.  Prior to that, S ended up falling asleep around 6:30 – I guess he was worn out too.  That meant I got some one on one time with W, a rarity, while A did his vest.  W received a US map puzzle for his birthday and we had fun working on that together.  He knew so many of the states and where they went – I was really impressed!

Unfortunately, S’s early bed time meant that he was awake before 6am on Saturday.  I started coming down with a cold.  We went grocery shopping, which took forever.  The store was packed!  And then my friend, Katie, came to visit.  It was fun catching up with her, as is always the case.  We ordered pizza for lunch and played with the boys.  All in all, it was a great, low-key day topped off with more Live PD.  I’m a little obsessed.  A suggested I go to bed early to fight my cold and catch up on sleep.  I waved him off figuring I’d sleep until 6:30am, which would be a solid 7 hours.  Not so…

Sunday morning, around 3:30am, S woke after a bad dream.  He insisted on coming to our room so I laid him on the bed between us and tried to fall back asleep.  It took about an hour of rolling, talking, kicking, etc. before he was sleeping again.  And then around 5:30am, Addie hopped on the bed and woke us all up again.  The morning consisted of church, Starbucks, and errands.  The boys were troopers as we made 4 different stops to pick up last minute gifts and other various items.  After errands, we picked up Chinese food for lunch and headed to my mom’s house so that I could begin gift wrapping.  My mom has tons of supplies so it’s just easier to head there.  The boys enjoyed playing with Meiko and trying to sneak peaks at presents while I got lots of wrapping done. I ended up going to bed around 9 and feel a lot better today.

Today is my last day in the office this year and I’m so looking forward to time off!!

If you have a minute, check out Danielle's post on her family's day of kindness.  I love what they did!!

Four Months Later - Living in Limbo

I’ve been trying to write this for quite awhile, but I’m not sure where to start or how to accurately portray my thoughts.

It’s been about four months since our last IVF cycle and subsequent miscarriage.  And for four months I’ve felt a bit lost.  I’ve always had a plan for everything and I’m finding myself in limbo.  Work has only complicated things and added to my stress.  I mentioned previously that I wasn’t happy with my job.  My “plan” has been to wait it out and hope that another position will open.  It’s a poor plan in that I have no control over job openings or being selected for a position.  But it’s all I’ve got.  Sure, I could look elsewhere with another company, but I need the flexibility to work from home in order to take the boys to and from school and I don’t think I’ll find that anywhere else.  I’ve also worked for the company long enough to earn 4 weeks paid vacation.  Something I take full advantage of and I don’t want to lose that.  So I wait.  Through long meetings, poor management, and an unfulfilling job, I wait.

A and I had a chance to talk about our situation a month or so ago.  We agreed that we feel like the decision has been made for us.  We don’t have any good options.  If our odds were better, we’d likely try IVF again.  With 20% odds for $20,000, we feel like we’re just setting ourselves up for failure, disappointment, and debt.  While we agreed that we probably wouldn’t try again, I told A that I just couldn’t give up yet.  I wasn’t saying I wanted to try IVF again, but I couldn’t commit to giving up forever.  Limbo.

Most days I’m ok or better than ok.  When I start to feel sad, I think of my boys and tell myself that any money we would have spent on another IVF cycle can instead be spent on a vacation.  We want the boys to see the world.  Other days I deal with lots of anxiety where I feel a constant sense of dread and worry (often intensified by work).  And then there are days like yesterday where the tears come easily.  Yesterday, a friend, whom I’ve been very supportive of announced that after an FET cycle and a bleeding scare, she was released from her RE with a healthy pregnancy.  She found out she’s having a boy.  Her fourth child.  I went through an entire IVF cycle.  Hundreds of needles.  She did FET.  She gets to keep her baby.   I didn’t.  I shouldn’t compare.  I know it’s never beneficial.  But sometimes I can’t help myself.  Classmates and friends are expecting their third and fourth children.  I tried so hard.  So damn hard.  How do you not compare your situation with theirs when that announcement pops up on social media?  They got what I tried so hard for.

A fellow blogger who is pregnant with her first girl, her fourth child, explained that she was so happy to be having a girl because men don't hang out with their mothers.  I never felt like I was missing out, but suddenly I did.  My mom is basically my best friend, but I certainly can't say the same for my brother.  It was a horrible thing to read, but it occurred to me that she was probably right. And I felt so incredibly alone.  If something happens to A once the boys are grown, I'll have no one.  It's not a reason to have another child, but the thought only added to my grief.

Somehow I know I can’t blame myself.  Somehow I know it’s not my fault.  But there are moments I wonder… maybe if I had taken more supplements, maybe if I had eaten better, maybe if we had tried earlier or a different month…

And so I wait in limbo.  Hoping for a new job.  Hoping to feel better.  Hoping for a change.

Weekend Recap - W's Birthday Party

I keep thinking I’ll write posts more often and time completely gets away from me.

We celebrated W’s fifth birthday on Saturday.  Naturally, as is the case every year, both boys came down with colds prior to the party.  Thankfully, the colds have been really mild (thus far) and certainly didn’t affect the boys’ energy levels.  I think I’ve mentioned previously that I don’t love birthday parties.  I like planning them, but when it comes to execution, it just seems like lots of work.  I was kind of hoping that W wouldn’t want a party and that we could plan an event instead.  No such luck.  But his only request for his party was a red, blue, and purple color theme and streamers.  I can totally handle that.  We kept it super easy and ordered W’s favorite: pizza.  My mom brought over spinach dip and A’s mom (Nani) brought caesar salad pastries (there must be a better way to describe them).  Any time someone asks if they can bring food, my answer will always be YES. ;)  Anyway, I think I gained about 25lbs because I could not stop eating either.  I forgot to put out juice for the 10 kids that were over (fail), but I think they made do.  And overall, it was a fun party and I’m honestly glad we had one.  W’s birthday is actually 12/20 so we try to make December an extra special month for him.  He was so sweet and thanked everyone after each present he opened.  

Once the boys went to bed, A and I got to enjoy some Live PD and even more left over food for the party (why did I feel the need to eat MORE??).

Sunday was the usual.  I realized that our dog had completely destroyed my area rug and dining room carpeting by peeing all over them (I hadn’t realized it before because the color blended in.. I know.. gross).  I get that she’s an older dog, but we have a pee pad in the room that she completely avoided.  Sigh. I've already asked my mom if I can borrow her carpet shampooer, but it's hopeless.  We dropped off gifts for our adopted family.  No matter what else is going on, the sight of so many gifts waiting for needy families always brings me to tears and restores my faith in the world.  I wanted the boys to see it too.  There weren’t as moved as I was, but they’ll get it eventually.  And I finished the day by trying a Starbucks Christmas Tree Frappuccino and making mac and cheese with the boys.  

Weekend Recap

The tree is up… jiggity jig!

This weekend turned out to be crazy busy.  Everything seemed to take a little longer than anticipated.  The only thing we had scheduled were haircuts for the boys on Saturday.  I received an email from Bath and Body Works advertising candles on sale.  I love BBW candles and wanted to pick up some for teacher gifts (the boys have 5 different teachers!).  So I suggested we head there, then grab lunch, and arrive for haircuts by 1:30.  My plan was way too ambitious.  Upon arriving at BBW, the store was crazy crowded and the check-out line was out the door.  I had no idea candle day was a thing!  Employees were bringing out candles from the back, calling out the scents, and handing them to waiting customers.  It was insane.  I was ready to turn around and leave, but one lady on her way out told us it wasn’t as bad as it looked.  I would beg to differ, but 40 minutes later, we had 7 candles and bath bombs for the boys as a reward for being such troopers.  We didn’t have time for lunch (luckily the boys had had a late breakfast) so we headed straight for haircuts.  The boys were wonderful once again, but even haircuts seemed to take long.  Then it was off to lunch and finally, around 4, we headed out to pick out our Christmas tree!  The first thing people ask when I say our tree is up is “real or fake?”.  Ha.  In previous years, we’ve gone the artificial route.   We had a pre lit tree that was beautiful and easy enough to put together.  Last year, we noticed that almost all of the pre-lights were out and had to buy extra lights.  We figured if we were doing that anyway, it’d be nice to get a real tree for a change.  So we headed to a local farm that we often visit during the fall.  S actually selected our tree and it is just perfect.  The boys had a blast running among the trees and I joked that I was going to drop them off every so often to burn off some energy.  

How cute is his trees romper?!?  I can't get enough!!

Of course, when we finally arrived home, W wanted to decorate.  He did such a good job, while S added a few ornaments, but mostly just played with his toy garbage trucks.  The tree is the most beautiful tree I’ve ever seen and it smells so good.  It was an incredibly full day, but also fun and the boys were wonderful throughout, despite getting to bed late.

Sunday, I was worn out.  FYI – Christmas trees are heavy!!  After church, we headed to a pancake breakfast with Nani, Papa, aunt, uncle, cousins, and Santa.  S devoured his pancakes and sausage and refused to sit on Santa (per usual).  W was really sweet and explained to Santa that he just wanted a garbage truck with a basket and an arm.  (Great – where do I find one that meets his expectations??)  Later he exclaimed “Oh no!”  When I asked what was wrong, he said he forgot to tell Santa he wanted a plastic garbage truck, not a metal one (Have I mentioned how detail oriented this child is?).  So we called Santa and left him a message where W also requested garbage cans and clothes.  I told him he was the only little boy I knew of who asked for clothes for Christmas.  He responded, “But you love clothes, mommy.”  So I think he might’ve requested them for me because he knows how much I enjoy choosing his outfits.  So sweet.  The rest of the day included grocery shopping, cleaning, raking leaves (A) and arguing with family… tis the season for family drama!

Friday Thoughts

Three cheers for Friday!!

Friday at our house means pizza and Live PD… bring it!!  Typing that made me think that we’ve set the bar pretty low – hopefully your Friday is more exciting. ;)

Our weather lately has been uncharacteristically warm.  We still need our coats, but 40 and 50 degree temps are always welcome in late November (and early December) in Chicago.  The boys have been spending as much time outdoors as possible before it gets too cold.

Our elf, Crispin, made an appearance this morning.  How many times will we mess up and forget to move him??  Time will tell…  As much of a pain as that darn elf is, the boys really enjoy him so we keep the tradition alive.

My latest Stitch Fix arrived yesterday and it’s another good one!  I’ll share soon!

If you saw my post yesterday and you're interested, I'm offering specials for the first twelve days of December.  Message me for details!

W has been making us laugh lately…

Listening to Christmas music.

Me: S, this song could be about you!  It’s called the Little Drummer Boy. (S likes to pretend play the drums when music is on)

W: S is retiring.  He only plays drums on Sundays now.

Bahahaha….

And this isn’t funny, but I got a kick out of it.  Yesterday I asked W if one of the parent helpers in his class had a child in the same class.  His response:

“I assume not, but when I have school on Monday, I can ask her just in case.” 

How old is he?!?