Where Do We Go From Here?

For starters, I have absolutely no idea.  The way I see it, we have three options: do nothing and accept that our family will remain a party of 4, pursue adoption, or pursue more rounds of IVF.

Let’s start with option number 1.  It’s by far the easiest in terms of effort (obviously) and cost.  And I was certain this is where we’d be post IVF failure.  But it also doesn’t feel right (at least in this moment of time).  Maybe it’s because our hearts are still recovering.  Maybe we’ll get there eventually.  But right now, A and I are having a hard time accepting option 1.

As for option 2, adoption is something A has always been open to.  I am a little more tentative, but my hesitation is fear based.  What if that child doesn’t like me, can we explain why he/she looks different from other family members, what if the child resents us, etc…  And my biggest fear, what if the birth mom changes her mind?  This has happened to a few people I know and I’m not sure my heart could handle that.  Despite those fears, I actually know quite a few families who’ve adopted and I also have a very good friend who is adopted.  All very positive experiences.  BUT there are two major red flags with this option.  One is the cost.  Did you know it costs about $30,000 to adopt, possibly more?  I don’t know about you, but I don’t keep am extra pile of $30,000 around.  And two, I know physicals are required prior to being approved and I’m afraid that A having CF would deter agencies or families.  And I suppose there is a third hurdle and that would be endless amounts of paperwork, home studies, book preparations, lawyers, and probably tons of other requirements I’m not even aware of.  It seems so daunting and exhausting.  I completely understand why all of these are necessary and I know it would be worth it if an adoption is successful, but it is overwhelming nonetheless.

And option 3, another round of IVF.  I can’t even imagine another IVF cycle given how poorly our previous cycle went.  Nothing went well and even our RE was surprised at how my body seems to have taken a turn for old age.  I loved being pregnant and would obviously love to do it all again, but it just seems so unlikely.  I also love that W and S represent pieces of A and myself – we often compare their personalities and features with our own.  Of course, cost is a major hurdle with IVF as well.  It would likely be $15,000-20,000 to go through the process again.  If it worked, it’d be worth it, but if it didn’t, I’d just be devastated all over again.  We are planning to schedule a consult with our RE because I’d like to hear his thoughts regarding our miscarriage/IVF cycle – I’ve always been one to gather as much information as possible.  I also think he’ll tell me it’s probably not wise to go through IVF again and that will put us closer to option 1.

And of course, even though W frequently tells me he doesn’t like his brother, he asked me if he could “get a girl”.  I think my response was “huh?”.  He explained, “can we get a sister?”.  Break my heart, kid….

So right now, we’re sticking with option 1, giving our hearts time to heal, and praying for guidance.  I’m hoping that my desire for another little one ceases – it would just make things so much easier.  And if you’re willing, send us some good vibes, prayers, whatever you’ve got… we can definitely use them!!

Also a big thank you to everyone who shared kind words in response to our miscarriage!!  Your thoughts are very much appreciated.