Catching up and unfriending

Wow, it’s been awhile since I posted anything and so much has happened I don’t even know where to begin!  We celebrated W’s first birthday and Christmas, enjoyed lots of family time, took W to an Illini basketball game, and there was even a Facebook brawl thrown in.  Sigh.  Facebook – can’t live with it, can’t live without it.  Anyway.  I want to recap ALL of it!  But there’s way too much to cover in one post.  I should probably go in chronological order and unfortunately I think the FB brawl happened first.

I really don’t want to talk about it, but I think I will in an attempt to clear it from my mind.  One of the main purposes of this blog is for me to get things off my mind and put them somewhere else.  I’m the type of person who thinks about things way too much, overanalyzes situations and circumstances until they can’t possibly be analyzed anymore, scrutinizes every last detail.  I don’t forget emotional encounters easily and I am a pro when it comes to holding a grudge.  So even though this little situation should be done and over, I still find myself thinking about it every now and then.  Hopefully discussing it here will be the final chapter – the conclusion.

 

Remember when I said I had friends who recently announced they were expecting twins?  I was disappointed because I found out on FB.  Then I was disappointed because the wife (mom of twins) unfriended me.  I know, I know, I shouldn’t care.  But I did.  Because I take friendships seriously.  Because I thought we were better friends and I was hurt.  

 

In the meantime, I had a couple FB posts about friendship - nothing contentious.  Just that I was disappointed about losing friends and I posted on what friendship meant to me.

So I was at a cookie exchange when my dear husband posted this on FB: “If you've ever read any of my status updates (only a few people have) you know I usually write about the awful sports teams I follow, or the cryptic messages about people who aren't Christian, but celebrate Christmas... Ugh... But let me be serious for a little bit... Blocking or "un-friending" someone because they're sharing their joy is crap. It's not boasting, or bragging, or gloating or rubbing it in (believe me, she'll save that for when she beats me in our fantasy football championship). It's simply sharing our joy with you. Believe me, he's worth sharing. I hope you share all of the joys life offers you... Ok, back to what I usually do... For those of you who think Josh McCown is better for the Bears' future, either short or long term, please really think about what you're considering...“

Isn’t he the best?  He has a way with words and I need to convince him to write a few blog posts.

 

The post didn’t seem particularly controversial, but it (along with my previous friendship posts) sparked an incredibly mean, inappropriate post by my former friend – the father of the twins.  In it, he called me whiny, bitchy, and self-centered among other not nice things.  He said that I expect people to always agree with me and put my life ahead of their own.  Oh, he also accused me of talking about one of our mutual friends on FB (I wasn’t).  And best of all, instead of sending this little gem in a message, he posted on my wall for all to see.  Nice, huh?

I know.  Immature.  And I need to forget about it.

But it was harsh.  There were tears.  No one has ever said such mean things about me (that I know of).  And I started to wonder if any of what he said was true.  I don’t think so, but what if other people have similar thoughts about me?

 

It was also difficult because we have mutual friends and I know they saw the post.  Yet most of them said nothing to me.  I totally understand that it’s awkward to be stuck in the middle of feuding friends, but no matter what, the things he said were inappropriate, posting the message on my wall where friends and family could see it was inappropriate, and I think they could have said SOMETHING to me.  ANYTHING.  Like, “Hey, that wasn’t cool.  I don’t think any of those things are true.”

I did get many comments and messages from sweet friends asking if I was ok, ridiculing the poster, and telling me the post was rude and untrue.  They are true friends.

I guess, in a weird way, this is a blessing in disguise.  I know how this guy (jerk) really feels about me and there’s no need to maintain a friendship (obviously).  I also realize that our mutual “friends” aren’t really friends.  I already knew this I suppose, but this is definitely confirmation.  It’s good to know the truth and in a way, I feel free.  I won’t be putting in the effort only to have it not be reciprocated.  No more get togethers or happy hours with this group.  I’ll focus on those who are there for me, which includes a handful of friends and my fabulous family.  And that’s enough.  They’re all I need.

OH!  The following day, the poster sent a lame apology saying something about my wall being the wrong forum to share what was on his mind.  But NO apology for all the crap he said about me.  What.An.Ass.

P.S.  If you're wondering, I LOST in the fantasy football championship.  Bummer.  I'll get him next year!!

Surviving the toddler years

As we’re nearing the end of the first year, I’m getting more and more nervous about parenting.  That seems silly, but let me explain.  When you’re pregnant, you’re so excited about having a baby…. You don’t (or maybe it’s just me?) think about the toddler years, the kid years, the pre-teen years (gasp!!), etc.  The focus is on that little, tiny baby.  Then the baby arrives and it’s basically feeding, changing, comforting, engaging.  That’s all been pretty easy and I know I’m oversimplifying, but still... the first year seems more about fulfilling basic needs as opposed to teaching and molding a little person.  I mean sure, there have been tough, cranky, sleepless nights here and there, but for the most part, the baby part hasn’t been all that difficult.  Raising a toddler, on the other hand, scares the bajeebies out of me.  Potty training?!?!  Gross.  I’m so not looking forward to all the peeing and even worse… pooping everywhere!  OMG.  I don’t even know where to start.  I have no patience whatsoever and just the thought makes me shudder.  And the other thing that scares the bajeebies out of me – disciplining.  It’s my job to raise an independent, respectful, grateful, well behaved little man.  How the heck do I do that?!?!  I’m not really into spanking so do I do time outs?  A naughty step?  The corner?  Will I suck at following through?  I can’t suck at following through, then he’ll know he can get away with things.  What if I’m too easy going?  What if I’m too hard on him?  I need to tell him the right way to do things and not just emphasize what’s wrong, right?  Will I feel bad when he cries?  I.am.already.freaking.out.  How do we survive the toddler years?!?!?

Weekend Recap

Another crazy busy weekend come and gone.

Friday was my work holiday party.  The food was amazing!  Yum!  I tried every single dessert.  I also ordered W’s birthday cakes. (Yes, cakes.  As in 2.  We’re having a very small family party on W’s actual birthday and a larger party in January.  People told me he would hate his birthday being so close to Christmas.  Oh, really??  How many people get 2 parties??  I think he’ll be just fine.)  Anyway.

I have to admit, I was in a really bad mood on Saturday.  W was up during the night for hours again.  This is always tough on me because it takes me a long time to fall asleep.  So I was up even longer.  After an entire week of crappy sleep, I was just exhausted.  We had plans to meet Santa on Saturday at the bank where W’s grandpa works.  It snowed the night before and was still snowing that morning, but we made it eventually.  And shockingly, W didn’t even cry when he met Santa!  He was nearly hysterical the weekend before.  Maybe he just liked this Santa better?  Afterwards, we enjoyed breakfast/lunch.  I had hoped to accomplish a bunch of errands, but the snow put a damper on those plans.  W hardly napped and it was a long day, but fun nonetheless.

 

Saturday night, W slept through the night!!  Halleluiah!!  Sunday, we went to church and had plans to go grocery shopping and then head to A’s parents’ house to celebrate his dad’s birthday.  But W fell asleep in the car after church so we decided to head straight to A’s parents so W could nap.  After a week of poor sleep, I didn’t want to take any chances with missing out on a nap!!  So we dropped W off, stopped at Starbucks to grab a quick drink and sort coupons, shopped, returned to A’s parents’ for snacks, pizza, and the Bears game.  We had cake and watched A’s dad open gifts and then I baked cookies for what seemed like forever.  But I had so much fun!  My mother in law and my niece helped and I now have 60+ cookies ready for the cookie exchange (plus an additional 2 dozen cookies that got tossed because they didn’t turn out).  It was a great day!

4 days of work and I’m off until after Christmas. J

Thoughts on overcoming infertility and friendship

I’m not doing Friday Favorites today because I didn’t have time to prepare anything.  Instead I’m just going to share what’s been on my mind.

Wednesday was a rough day (as you could tell from my post), but each day has gotten a little better.  Lack of sleep really impacts my mood <obviously>.  I’m still sad that I’ve lost some friends along the way.  In the end, I have a wonderful family who is always there for me and that’s all that really matters.  After my post on Wednesday, I got a message from the friend expecting twins.  He basically said that he and his wife consider me a friend, but that his wife had to “unfriend” me on FB because they were having trouble conceiving and looking at the baby pictures I posted was too hard.  If you’re keeping count, that’s two really good friends who’ve unfriended me because I had a baby.

I’ve thought about what he said.  And I’ve thought about my friendship with this couple and here’s what I think.  1.  If you consider me a good friend, I still don’t think I should’ve found out you were expecting via social media.  2.  If you consider me a good friend, you should’ve explained why you were unfriending me BEFORE doing so, not months AFTER the fact.  I at least deserved a “heads up”, an explanation.  3.  The whole “unfriending” thing seems very, I don’t know, junior high-ish?  And finally:

I’ve been on both sides.  I’ve been the one struggling to conceive and the one feeling hopeless and lonely after a failed IVF.  I’ve also been able to overcome those struggles and I’ve been blessed with a perfect baby boy.  While I was struggling, it was hard to hear about other pregnancies and see baby pictures.  But in the end, I knew that those expectant moms weren’t taking something away from me.  Their success had nothing to do with my struggles.  Hiding them, unfriending them wasn’t going to change anything.

I post a lot of pictures and updates about my family on social media.  And I feel like those who unfriend me and then don’t stay in contact with me really have no idea what’s going on in my life.  They don’t know what we’ve been up to, they don’t know what W has accomplished lately, they don’t know anything.  And if they don’t care to know my life lately, then what kind of friend does that make them?

IVF is HARD.  I’ve been there.  I’ll go through it again.  When I finally found success, it seemed like I was chastised and pushed away.  That’s just not fair.  Having a baby doesn’t mean all those infertility struggles are gone and forgotten.  I feel like overcoming infertility should be celebrated.  So why am I being punished?

And are these “friends” expecting me to attend their baby showers?  Am I supposed to act like everything is fine once they have their babies?  Because I don’t think I can do that.  I’m a good person <for the most part>, but not that good…

Saying goodbye to friendship

I need to vent.  And luckily I have this blog, which provides space to do just that. J
 

W was up for 3 hours last night.  Between 11:30 and 2:30.  It was rough and little man was inconsolable.  He seemed to only want mama and he wanted to be held.  The second I tried to lay him down, screaming ensued.  Even when I laid him next to me in our bed.  I’m thinking teething again?  Not sure.  But what I am sure of is we’re all exhausted today.  My large coffee is making me feel a tiny bit better.

So here goes… I’ve been honest about struggling with the decision on when to go through another round of IVF.  Every time I’m at peace with the later date we’ve decided on, someone else announces a pregnancy and I want to do IVF sooner.  I also feel a little sad with each pregnancy announcement because I’m worried our next IVF will be unsuccessful.  And what if we aren’t able to get pregnant ever again?  Will I ever be able to come to terms with that?  So each pregnancy announcement is a reminder of what may never happen.  And there have been so many lately.  It’s hard on me.  And last night, I saw yet another pregnancy announcement.  Not only is the couple expecting a baby, they’re expecting 2.  A second friend expecting twins.  I’m happy for them.  But I also thought we were better friends and I deserved a text, an email, something – instead of finding out on Facebook.  I guess I was wrong. 

The other kicker, a friend who I had gone through IVF with hid me long ago on Facebook.  She’s hardly talked to me since W arrived.  But there she was, commenting on the twin news and wishing the couple congrats.  We used to be really close.  We emailed often (daily!), shared IVF horror stories, and hubs and I even dog sat for her while she was visiting family.  A and I got pregnant on our second round of IVF, but it took her much longer.  She also suffered quite a few miscarriages.  She’s pregnant now (along with the rest of the world, apparently).  I understand that my pregnancy was hard on her.  But I thought she’d be happy for me since we had both struggled.  When she told me she hid me on FB my feelings were hurt.  When the emails and texts came to a hault, my feelings were even more hurt.  But now, seeing that she’s happy for our mutual friends and has no trouble talking to them on FB, it’s a theoretical slap in the face.  It seems unfair and hypocritical.

Last night A suggested I give up on this friendship.  I’m not a quitter.  I stubbornly don’t give up on anything.  But I think it’s time.  I knew having a baby would be life changing, but I didn’t expect to lose friends.

I’m sorry if I sound bitter.  I’m so so thankful for W and I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the gift we’ve been given.  If  W is the only child we’re meant to have, then I’ll have to be ok with that.  I realize there are many still struggling to have a first child and they are always in my heart.  I pray for them every night.  But I also feel in my heart, we’re meant to have a larger family.  And I’m scared it may not happen.

I’m a passionate person.  I can’t hide my emotions.  I also can’t do halfhearted friendships.  And right now, I’m just down.  Or maybe I’m just tired…. Tomorrow is a new day.  Tomorrow will be better.

Weekend Recap

In a word, this past weekend was wonderful.

It started off with a Friday work potluck lunch.  My colleagues are hilarious.  They are seriously some of the funniest people I’ve ever met and I thoroughly enjoy working with them.  I think I laughed almost the entire lunch.  The food didn’t disappoint either!  Stuffed cabbage rolls, fruit, rice, pasta, sandwiches, flan… yum.  And now I need to not eat for 5 days to make up for all the calories I consumed.

Saturday, A and I attended a wedding and W had his first sleepover at grandma and grandpa’s house.  I was told he was a gentleman and I’m so glad he had a good night.  And it was awesome to have a night off from our parenting duties.  I really enjoyed the wedding.  The bride and groom are the sweetest.  The groom, who we don’t know well, came over to us before the ceremony to tell us that he remembered attending our fall wedding and thanked us for attending his.  Adorable.  The bride was stunning.  Her dress was gorgeous – totally my style.  The love they share for each other was just so palpable – you could feel it by observing them.  I know, without a doubt, they’ll be together forever.  The reception was fun too.  We got to spend time with friends we hadn’t seen in years.  A was especially funny and kept me laughing throughout the evening.  Such a fun night. J  Obviously, I suck at sharing pictures.  I’d love to say I’ll post the ones from my camera, but I don’t want to make any promises I can’t keep.  So here’s the one and only photo I took with my phone.

 

Sunday, we had breakfast with Santa.  W did NOT like Santa.  I tried to sit him on Santa’s lap and he screamed.  It was sad (ok, I’ll admit, I actually thought it was really funny).  I rescued W from Santa and we ended up with a Santa family photo – not what I envisioned, but it will have to do. J  We also adopted a family through Catholic Charities and had to drop off the gifts yesterday afternoon.  And it snowed!  We got about 3 inches of snow - it looks so pretty and festive.

It was a crazy busy weekend.  I don’t feel like I had any time to relax, but it was lots of fun.

I hope to do a photo dump soon because I feel like pictures really tell a story, but since I write on my lunch break and never on my home computer that seems unlikely.

 

Today is a gift and that's why it's called the present...

I haven’t really been in the mood to blog lately.  I’m not sure why.  Part of me is overwhelmed with the holidays.  I just feel like there is so much to do and not enough time.  The late Thanksgiving holiday certainly didn’t help.  My mind constantly wanders to the shopping that needs to be done, the presents that need to be wrapped, the party that needs to be planned.  I keep telling myself to slow down and enjoy the present.  All of the things on my to do list will be accomplished eventually.  Easier said than done.  Yesterday, the following quote appeared in my FB newsfeed:

“Sometimes we get so caught up in what’s ahead that we forget how wonderful it is to just live in the moment.  Stop, listen, and enjoy the here and now.”

It makes perfect sense.  I want to enjoy the pre-Christmas festiveness with my nearly one year old.  This is the only Christmas he’ll have as a one year old.  Yes, there will be more Christmases to enjoy down the road, but each one will be special and unique and I want to enjoy THIS one in all its glory.  So I need to take a deep breath and stop worrying, stop planning, and just enjoy.

If I’m being completely honest, the decision of when to do IVF again has been weighing on me heavily.  My heart and my head are saying two different things and that’s never good.  I’ve been praying about it and trying to gain some clarity.  This is a big decision for sure, but I’m not sure why it’s causing me such anxiety.  Hopefully I can put all IVF thoughts on hold for the time being.

Here’s to making an effort to enjoy the present and trust that God has a plan for our family…

 

 

 

Thanksgiving Weekend Recap

What a great weekend!  I so enjoyed family time.

Wednesday, W and I had a great day.  We played all morning, he took a long nap, and we picked up lunch for daddy (who worked half the day) and Grandma G.  It was a perfect Thanksgiving Eve. J  I know I’m not meant to be a SAHM, but days like that make me wish I could spend more time with W.  How do I get a part time job that pays the same?? ;)

Thursday, we headed over to Grandma and Grandpa W’s house.  Grandma G joined us along with my brother who rarely makes an appearance.  He’s only seen W twice despite living about an hour away.  Inexcusable.  But that’s a story for another day and even though I’m disappointed in him, Thanksgiving is about being grateful.  I decided I was going to let my disappointment go for the day (after all, missing out on W’s life is definitely my brother’s loss – everyone who meets W instantly loves him), focus on enjoying my family, and reminisce on the past year and how truly fabulous it was.  I’m not trying to sound all “my life is perfect”, but we’re in a really good place and I appreciate that.  We’ve had some bumps along the road – jobs we hated (me), jobs we were way overqualified for (hubs), and a failed IVF cycle.  I’m extremely thankful for a healthy son, a healthy husband, and rewarding jobs.  The food was delicious and a great time was had by all.  The only bad thing was I forgot to take some pictures of W. L  I’ve taken pictures of him on every single holiday.  He even had a cute Thanksgiving bib… boo. L

Friday was spent shopping!!  My mom and I head out early every year.  It’s our tradition.  I even went out last year at 8 months pregnant.  It was actually great because I took advantage of the expectant mother parking and everyone stayed out of my way since I was huge.  Ha!  Anyway, we headed out early.  Well, not THAT early – we’re not crazy.  We arrived at the mall around 8am.  We found lots of bargains and were done shopping by noon.  We met W and hubs for lunch and the rest of the day was uneventful.

Saturday, I can’t remember doing much of anything.  Football was on, we took a family walk, and hubs did lots of cleaning.

Sunday was church, Starbucks, football, and errands.

And now I’m sad that the 5 day weekend has come to an end.  As always, it went by incredibly fast.  And this coming weekend is jam packed so it will fly by too. L  I suppose I should be thankful for a full schedule since it means time spent with family and friends.

Hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving.