Saying goodbye to friendship

I need to vent.  And luckily I have this blog, which provides space to do just that. J
 

W was up for 3 hours last night.  Between 11:30 and 2:30.  It was rough and little man was inconsolable.  He seemed to only want mama and he wanted to be held.  The second I tried to lay him down, screaming ensued.  Even when I laid him next to me in our bed.  I’m thinking teething again?  Not sure.  But what I am sure of is we’re all exhausted today.  My large coffee is making me feel a tiny bit better.

So here goes… I’ve been honest about struggling with the decision on when to go through another round of IVF.  Every time I’m at peace with the later date we’ve decided on, someone else announces a pregnancy and I want to do IVF sooner.  I also feel a little sad with each pregnancy announcement because I’m worried our next IVF will be unsuccessful.  And what if we aren’t able to get pregnant ever again?  Will I ever be able to come to terms with that?  So each pregnancy announcement is a reminder of what may never happen.  And there have been so many lately.  It’s hard on me.  And last night, I saw yet another pregnancy announcement.  Not only is the couple expecting a baby, they’re expecting 2.  A second friend expecting twins.  I’m happy for them.  But I also thought we were better friends and I deserved a text, an email, something – instead of finding out on Facebook.  I guess I was wrong. 

The other kicker, a friend who I had gone through IVF with hid me long ago on Facebook.  She’s hardly talked to me since W arrived.  But there she was, commenting on the twin news and wishing the couple congrats.  We used to be really close.  We emailed often (daily!), shared IVF horror stories, and hubs and I even dog sat for her while she was visiting family.  A and I got pregnant on our second round of IVF, but it took her much longer.  She also suffered quite a few miscarriages.  She’s pregnant now (along with the rest of the world, apparently).  I understand that my pregnancy was hard on her.  But I thought she’d be happy for me since we had both struggled.  When she told me she hid me on FB my feelings were hurt.  When the emails and texts came to a hault, my feelings were even more hurt.  But now, seeing that she’s happy for our mutual friends and has no trouble talking to them on FB, it’s a theoretical slap in the face.  It seems unfair and hypocritical.

Last night A suggested I give up on this friendship.  I’m not a quitter.  I stubbornly don’t give up on anything.  But I think it’s time.  I knew having a baby would be life changing, but I didn’t expect to lose friends.

I’m sorry if I sound bitter.  I’m so so thankful for W and I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the gift we’ve been given.  If  W is the only child we’re meant to have, then I’ll have to be ok with that.  I realize there are many still struggling to have a first child and they are always in my heart.  I pray for them every night.  But I also feel in my heart, we’re meant to have a larger family.  And I’m scared it may not happen.

I’m a passionate person.  I can’t hide my emotions.  I also can’t do halfhearted friendships.  And right now, I’m just down.  Or maybe I’m just tired…. Tomorrow is a new day.  Tomorrow will be better.