Thursday, April 2, 2015

Return to Work

I’m baaaack!  To work that is.  So strange to think the last time I sat at my desk, I was (extremely) pregnant.

I definitely teared up as I said goodbye to the boys this morning.  And I’m really nervous about how grandma is coping.  I have such mixed emotions about my return.  On one hand, I’m ready.  Ready to get out of the house, ready to get caught up at work, ready for adult decisions and conversations.  I know that I’m not cut out to be a stay at home mom and maternity leave confirmed my feelings.  But I also think the boys and I were getting into a great routine.  W is talking like crazy.  And although he can be hard to understand, I comprehend most of what he’s saying.  I’m his interpreter.  And S.  My sweet baby boy.  I’ve become a pro at swaddling him and I can decipher his different cries.

Above all, the most difficult thing about returning to work is knowing that I CAN return to work because my “newborn” is 8 weeks old today.  I’m having a really hard time with that.  He’s supposed to be my new baby and I have no idea where the time has gone.  It’s killing me.

BUT for the time being, I’ll get to experience what I think is the ideal work situation… working part time and being with my boys for the remainder of the time (at least until I work my way back up to full time status in May).  I’m excited to find out if the arrangement really is “ideal” or if it’s not at all what I expected.

As I was leaving the house, still a bit teary, my song for W came on the radio.  This song served as encouragement after our first failed IVF.  And then when I was pregnant with W and worried about my baby boy, concerned about his health, looking for confirmation that he was ok, this song would come on.  Jason Mraz’s “I Won’t Give Up” will always hold a special place in my heart.  It became my source of comfort.  “I Won’t Give Up” was my reminder that the baby boy I had endured IVF for, planned for, wanted so badly was going to be ok.  “I Won’t Give Up” always came on the radio when I needed the reassurance most.  I tell W that it’s our song.

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, I'm still looking up.

So naturally, when it came on the radio this morning, I cried.  And thanked God for His support.  I also took it as a sign that I made the right decision to return to work early and gradually work up to full time as opposed to taking an extra four weeks and starting at full time immediately upon my return.

As if that weren’t enough, Jimmy Eat World’s “The Middle” came on next.  “The Middle” was my college anthem.  A reminder that I was going to get through all those tough classes, graduate, and everything would be ok.  At the time, college life was SO DRAMATIC and hard and intense.  Ha.  If only I could go back in time and smack my college self…  Anyway, “The Middle” was my source of comfort and I couldn’t believe that these two meaningful songs were on the radio back to back as I was leaving the house.

It just takes some time
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right

So here’s to getting back into the swing of things, making the most of my temporary part time schedule, and being 30 pounds lighter (holla!). J

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