Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Are You Done?

Are you done?

If only I had a dollar for every time I was asked this question.  When people ask, it’s in regards to having more children.  I was even getting this question while pregnant with S.  My own mom has asked no less than three times – I think she’s just afraid we’d ask her to watch another child. ;) 

Most people don’t know our story.  Only our families and close friends know that A has CF and only a handful of that group knows that I went through IVF in order to have both boys.  It’s not a secret and I’m not trying to hide anything.  But it is personal.  In general, A and I are relatively private people (which may come as a surprise considering I keep a blog).  The way in which our boys were created is not exactly something that comes up in everyday conversation so I don’t feel the need to discuss it with most people.  I also think most people are clueless about IVF.  And finally, I’d like to be the one who tells my boys their story.  I’d like them to hear about IVF and our journey from me and not anyone else.

So for the majority of people who ask, “Are you done??”, my answer is simple: Probably.

But it’s actually a lot more complicated than that.  A and I agreed to discuss this very topic and our family plans when S is older.  As in closer to two years old.  I love my boys with all my heart, but they do require quite a lot of energy, time, attention, etc.  A and I did agree that I will not go through another fresh IVF cycle.  All those injections, appointments, surgeries, and procedures have taken a toll and I’m just ready to be done with that chapter.  Not to mention insurance will not cover another round of IVF (so thankful that it covered the majority of the 3 fresh cycles I endured).  We do have 2 frozen embryos.  But the reality is that these are not high grade embryos so the chances for success are very very low.  They may not even survive the thaw.

In my heart, I would love another baby.  For some reason I can’t explain, I just feel like I was meant to have 3 boys.  And let’s face it, if I were lucky enough to have another, he would definitely be a boy.  Truth be told, I’d like to give those two embryos a chance, even if the odds are not in my favor.  We’ve never had frozen embryos from previous cycles so maybe, just maybe, those frozen embryos are here for a reason.

We have a lot to consider.  First and foremost – A’s health.  I'm still scarred from the hospital stay and poor health he experienced last summer.  But we also need to consider our ages, our family dynamic, finances, etc.  My brain can think of so many perfectly logical reasons to remain a family of four – expenses, we all fit in one car, we can travel easier as the boys grow up, we have an extra bedroom that can be used however we see fit, we'd likely have to find child care if we had another, we aren’t outnumbered, a third would mean even less sleep, our house is loud enough already, W doesn’t seem to like the one brother he does have, etc…  But then there’s my heart.  And my heart would love another.

So are we done??  Probably.  But the truth is, I hope not…

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