Balance

Being a mom is the hardest thing I’ve done.  It’s also the best.

I constantly constantly struggle with the work life balance.  Constantly.  It weighs on me.  I always wonder if I’m spending enough time with W and if I’m putting enough hours in at work (or too many hours).  My job requires me to travel occasionally.  I enjoy it, but I also feel a tremendous amount of guilt.  Guilt because it means less time with W.  Guilt because it requires A to take on all parenting responsibilities while I’m gone.  Guilt because it often requires our moms to rearrange their schedules in order to care for W.  Guilt.  Guilt.  Guilt.

And then I think about doing IVF again.  It’s such a weird situation.  Planning your potential child.  Planning his/her birth date.  Planning injections and monitoring appointments around work trips and events.  And again I wonder – Am I too involved in work?  Should I really be planning my potential future child around my work schedule?  But then again, if IVF isn’t successful, won’t it be just a little less painful if I didn’t put my entire life on hold?  I don’t know.  <And I definitely realize planning and reality are entirely different.  Life has a way of laughing in the face of our carefully planned agendas.>

Sometimes I feel unstoppable – like I have it all.  And other times I feel like I’m failing - at parenting and as a professional.  Luckily, I feel successful and accomplished more often than not.  But even in those times, I still wonder – am I doing this right?  Is this the best I can do?  Am I the best mom and colleague I can be?

Hopefully all this thought, worrying, obsessing means I’m a great mom (and a great colleague).  W seems happy.  Really happy.  So that’s got to count for something, right?

I hope, when W’s old enough to understand, that he’ll be proud of me.  Proud that I worked hard, pursued opportunities, found success, and ultimately found fulfillment in my career.  After all, those are the same things I hope for him.  And I hope he never ever feels like I spent too much time working and not enough time with him.  I think it’s possible to have both a fantastic family life and a wonderful career.  I hope he agrees.