Not Meant To Be

I mentioned previously that I found out our insurance should cover one more round of IVF.  It seemed unlikely given all the steps we'd have to take, but before we could make a decision, A and I wanted to speak to our RE.  I had a ton of questions and I was just hoping for answers and perhaps some sort of closure.  I really believe in having all of the information, all of the facts before making decisions (especially really big ones!!).  That's the scientist in me.

I called my nurse, explained the situation and requested a consultation.  She told me that I'd need to have an ultrasound and blood work done before she could set up an appointment with the RE.  I protested saying that that may not even be necessary based on the conversation with the doctor, but she said he wouldn't even see me unless I had the tests done.  The ultrasound would give the RE an idea of ovarian reserve and he could better determine our chances of success should we decide to proceed with IVF.  If I'm being honest, I think it's also a way to charge me for yet another visit (a $35 copay each time in addition to procedural costs is getting old fast).  I was frustrated, but also understand the importance of the doctor having all of the information.  After all, that is what I was seeking.

I went in for what I assumed was a routine appointment and was annoyed that I had to be there more than anything.  I wasn't even thinking about the appointment itself.  During the ultrasound my nurse told me I only had 11 antral follicles, which is on the low side.  Wait, what?!?!  Antral follicles are an indication of how many eggs you can produce during IVF.  I wasn't expecting any information to come from the nurse and my count was on the low side??  I've NEVER been on the low side.  I thought hard about the last time this type of ultrasound was performed and the number 29 stuck in my head.  That couldn't be right, could it??  I wasn't sure of the number, but I was sure that my count had always been on the high side.  I was shocked and numb.  The nurse told me that if there was even a slight chance of proceeding with IVF, I really needed to begin supplements now in an attempt to improve egg quality.  She went on to explain the TESE procedure and tell me about the doctor who could perform that, but I couldn't even listen to what she was saying.  I was just shocked.

As soon as I left the office, I had to look up what my antral follicle count was previously (3 years ago).  29.  It was 29!!!  How did I go from 29 to 11?!?  And how did a routine appointment turn into a revelation that my fertility has greatly decreased in a relatively short amount of time??  I know fertility decreases with age, but that drastically?!?  I don't even feel old...  I had to fight back tears as I drove home.  I texted A and told him I felt so defeated.  Everything seems to be working against me.

More and more, it seems clear that baby 3 is not meant to be. :(  We meet with the RE in a month.  I'm very curious to hear his thoughts.

Weekend Recap

We had a really great weekend and I’m so thankful for family and A’s health.  Saturday, W started a new swim class.  I was really nervous for him.  Up to this point, he had always attended class with A or me – as in we were in the water with him.  The next step up was class by himself.  I had heard some scary stories about the park district program that he was previously in i.e. children going under water and the instructor/life guards not noticing right away.  The children were fine, but just hearing that was enough for me to look elsewhere.  I might be a little paranoid.  I contacted a friend and she spoke very highly of a program that her daughter was in.  She explained the safety precautions and I was reassured knowing that A would be sitting on the side observing W.  W is very reserved and I wasn’t sure how he’d react to a new class at a different pool.  It turned out that the class had only three children and the other two weren’t there.  W essentially had a private lesson and it couldn’t have gone better.  A and I both thought he would listen better and participate more if we weren’t in the water with him and that seemed to be the case (not that he wasn’t participating previously, it’s just a lot easier to say no and be silly around your parents).  I’m so proud of W.  When he arrived home, he told me, “I really like my new swim class!”.  Yay!!

While W was at class, S and I went to his preschool class.  S absolutely loves it and prior to leaving our house kept saying “School, bye bye!  School, bye bye!”.  He played at the sand table, painted, played in the sensory bin, built ramps for cars, and had three helpings of the snack.  He was so sad when it was time to leave.

That afternoon, we headed out to A’s favorite pizza restaurant.  The boys were great for the most part, except for S consuming too much cake and suffering the consequences and W having to go to the bathroom about 8 times (I’m happy he’s potty trained, but he has to check out the bathroom everywhere we go!).  A’s parents and my mom joined us for pizza.  All in all it was a great day and I hope A enjoyed an early birthday celebration.  We finished the night by catching up on This is Us.  Not enough tissues in the world.  I love that show.

Sunday was our usual.  We went for a short walk and played outside for a bit, though it was cold and windy.  A put up our new mailbox and W helped me make macaroni and cheese for dinner.  We saw just a little bit of the Oscars – I only watch for the dresses anyway. ;)

Friday Thoughts

For the past week, our temperatures have been amazing!!  We’ve been spending as much time outdoors as possible and although I’m dreading the return to winter, it was so wonderful to have a taste of spring!

Poor S still hasn’t recovered from his most recent ear infection and we started round two of antibiotics.  I’m feeling like a bit of a failure since I don’t know how much of the previous antibiotic was actually consumed.  S wouldn’t take it directly so we had to mix it with a bit of yogurt or puree.  He would inevitably drop said yogurt or puree or he’d spit up.  He seems to be acting normally so at least that’s good news.

I did a major closet purge because I have so many clothes that either I don’t wear or don’t fit me (boo hoo).  Anyway, it felt so great to get rid of things and I’m hoping to make a little money off of some items.  Yay for consignment!

Stitch Fix number 14 arrived yesterday.  To be completely honest, I was really disappointed when I peeked at the contents of the latest Stitch Fix box.  Usually, I receive at least one of the items I had pinned on my Pinterest board, but not this time.  I suppose after 14 Fixes, there was bound to be a miss.  And who knows, maybe I’ll change my mind about items once I try them on.  Sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised.  I’ll definitely share soon.

A’s birthday is Monday and we plan to celebrate with lunch at A’s favorite pizza place this weekend.  Looking forward to celebrating my better half. :)

After FET

It's been two months since our failed FET.  I'm not sure what possessed me to do it, but shortly after our failure, I reviewed my benefits and found that insurance should cover another round of IVF.  At this moment in time, I can't imagine going through IVF again.  An associated (major) factor is that A would have to have another TESE performed.  We both thought we were done having children and chose to discard the remaining vials of frozen sperm (it was also very pricey to store them).  And then we both admitted that we felt like our family wasn't quite complete and wanted another child.  What is wrong with us??  When the first TESE was performed, A had not been diagnosed with CFRD and was not taking insulin.  I've read studies that suggest diabetes/insulin can have grave affects on sperm DNA, but I'm obviously not a doctor and have no idea how accurate these studies are.

During a lunch outing, I mentioned the possibility of IVF to A, but explained that it would be really difficult pursuing another round for several reasons.  To be clear, I often still feel that our family isn't complete and would happily welcome another baby.  But as I told A, it's really hard to ignore all the signs.  I mean, if we were meant to have another child, would it really be this difficult??  Wouldn't we have held on to those frozen vials a bit longer?  Shouldn't our FET have been successful if we were meant to be a family of five?  Shouldn't we have had more frozen embryos to work with?  When I brought it up to A, he said, "Maybe don't think of it that way.  Maybe there are no signs.  Think of it as if we want another child, this is what we have to do.  We have to take further steps."  Very big steps.  And I don't think I can ignore the perceived signs.  I've always been a believer in signs.  All the while, my biological clock is tick tick ticking away.  I could handle the injections, the procedures, the medications again.  It wouldn't be easy, but I could do it.  However, I don't think my heart can handle another failure.

Weekend Recap

I meant to write a post on Friday and it was just one of those crazy, hectic days that seems to go on forever.  The morning started out with W proclaiming, “I don’t want to go to school!  I don’t want to do abc’s!  I don’t want to do 123’s!  I already know everything!”.  Wow.  I finally got him dressed and dropped off.  I had a meeting (teleconference) with my boss and a few other colleagues and mid phone call, I saw that W’s school was calling.  Crap.  I answered and was told that W had a rash on his tummy and face and I should probably come get him.  The meeting with my boss was winding down so I figured I could hop in the car and continue participating in the meeting while I drove and no one would know the difference.  Well apparently there’s a black hole between my house and preschool because the phone call dropped twice.  And each time that happens, it makes a sound so people knew I was getting disconnected.  I felt like an idiot.  W did have some hives on his tummy and I appreciate that his school called, but it also didn’t seem to require me dropping everything to pick him up.  Not sure what the hives were from – W played with homemade play dough and he doesn’t usually so that’s all we can think of.  Once we arrived home, our mailbox (including the post) was laying in the street.  Apparently the wood was rotted and it picked this moment to basically disintegrate.  On the bright side, we can’t receive any bills! ;)  The rest of the afternoon continued with me apologizing to my boss and the boys being feisty.  We did make it outside and had fun blowing bubbles, making chalk drawings, and playing on the deck.  S is going through a terrible twos stage in which his favorite word is no and he has a meltdown when things don’t go his way.  It’s super fun. :)

Saturday got off to a better start with me taking S to school and A taking W to swim class.  S seems to really enjoy school and another mom commented on how well he was talking, which made me proud.  Afterwards, I went to get my haircut and as soon as that was over, A brought the boys in to get their hair cut.  W was great.  S was just plain awful and embarrassing.  Last time he got his haircut, the lady kept trying to use clippers and he was terrified.  I’m not sure if he remembers that, but he screamed throughout his entire haircut and he’s never done that before.  I felt so bad for the stylist and everyone else in the salon.  I have no idea what to do – his hair grows fast and he needs a haircut once a month, but I can’t fathom returning with him.  We got home and played outside for a bit.  Our weather has been amazing!!

 Sunday was the usual routine.  S got angry at Starbucks because I wouldn’t let him sit on the taller bar stools so he laid on the floor. :\  After grocery shopping, we all went to Nani’s and Papa’s house for a little cook out.  Grilled food in February!  Who would’ve thought?  We also squeezed in some park time and a walk.  Wishing I had off today to continue enjoying the nice weather.

V Day and CF Clinic

Wanted to pop in really quick and wish everyone a belated Happy Valentine's Day.  I used to think Valentine's Day was a stupid Hallmark holiday.  It may be that, but now I welcome a day to celebrate love and enjoy picking out little goodies for the men (big and little) in my life. :)

A had CF clinic yesterday.  How romantic, right?  I went with him to the appointment and enjoyed having a day off.  The appointment went GREAT!  A weighs the most he ever has (unfortunately, pretty sure I do too) and his lung function is up!!  It was such a relief.  I asked A what he attributed the good numbers to and he wasn't quite sure.  He's been eating well - we usually make it a point to have a big dinner.  He hasn't had any major colds (knock on wood, jinx).  I really think Cayston has helped here.  And he's been getting some exercise with the dog and kiddos.  I'm so proud of him and hope he can continue on this path!

We enjoyed lunch together and picked out a gourmet caramel apple afterwards.  A gave me a gift certificate for a mani/pedi at my favorite salon and I can't wait to use that.  If I haven't mentioned this before, he is a really excellent gift giver.  I'm always so impressed.  The little boys received a couple new books, the Charlie Brown Valentines movie, and an owl game.  We finished the day off by having dinner with my mom.  The boys enjoyed steak and pink punch.  Such a fun day! <3

Monday

My morning…

Argue with W about eating breakfast.  Call into 8am meeting that I will hardly be able to listen in on or contribute to since I still need to get W dressed and off to school.  Who schedules an 8am meeting on a Monday anyway?!?  Make a deal with W - he’ll get dressed IF he can get dressed downstairs while continuing to watch TV.  Search all over for his gray shoes and eventually realize they are in his backpack in my car because he wore boots home on Friday.  Get W's coat and hat on, gather everything else, including graham crackers donation.  Once outside, realize we don’t have W’s shape homework.  Run inside and look all over counters, table, etc.  Nowhere to be found.  Run back outside and tell W I can’t find it, ask if he’s seen it.  I had it on top of my purse originally, but now of course, it’s not there.  W is disappointed so I tell him I’ll look one more time after getting him buckled in his car seat.  Run back inside, continue to look.  Remember he showed it to A while playing Candy Land.  Look under coffee table, then couch.  Find it under couch and run back outside.  Get in car and realize I don’t have key.  Run back inside.  All the while, my work meeting is still going.  Unmute and attempt to contribute to work meeting, but too many people are talking to interject.  Get to school.  Hand over graham crackers.  Realize that W doesn’t have an extra pair of pants in his backpack anymore because he wore the extra pair home over his pjs (it was pajama day) on Friday.  Please don’t let today be the day he has an accident.  Hurry, hurry… maybe I can still listen to work meeting.  On my way out, the Director asks to speak with me about next year’s school schedule.  Get back in car to hear everyone hang up and meeting end.  Realize I forgot my hairbrush/makeup bag because it’s in the diaper bag.  Guess I’ll just have messy hair today.

Feel a little sorry for myself.  Think it’s no surprise that coworker got promoted over me… I can’t compete.  My kids will always be a priority and I’ll always be a bit of a mess.  Curse Mondays. 

Get to work and find Sweettarts in my pocket that W insisted I take.  Remind myself that I may be a hot mess sometimes, BUT my kids love me regardless.   And at least my job is flexible.  Even though I couldn’t give my full attention to this particular meeting, I’ll make up for it.  I’ll still get my work done and give it my all.  I’m lucky to be able to take my boy to school and work from home a couple days each week.  And at least we DID the homework, even if we temporarily lost it.  And at least we made it to school on time (by some miracle).  And at least there's an extra pair of underpants in W's backpack so even if he has to borrow pants, he'll have his own undies!  And at least I remembered W’s beloved Mommy Owl and those damn graham crackers…

Friday Thoughts

We made it to Friday!!  I wasn't sure it would ever happen, but here we are!!

This week was a bit of a disaster, but I'm reminded that my little obstacles are nothing compared to some who are dealing with monumental hardships.

Wednesday was basically a shit show.  I can't think of any other way to describe it.  S was cranky all day and just not himself.  The boys had a well child check up and S cried any time the nurse practitioner looked at him, talked to him, or attempted to examine him.  She concluded that he had a double ear infection (fortunate the well child check (haha!) coincided with the peak of his ear infection). He also had hives, which can apparently happen at the end of a virus.  Luckily, we made it to the pharmacy five minutes before it closed and picked up S's prescription.  Once we got home, we tried to dose S with the Amoxicllin he was prescribed and he was NOT having it.  W showed him how to take it from the syringe.  We tried mixing it in milk and putting in a bottle.  We tried mixing with yogurt.  He refused everything.  We figured we'd go through the usual bedtime routine and try a bottle again.  A was with S, attempting the usual bottle/bed routine and I hopped in the shower.  At this point, S wasn't interested in the bottle, but wasn't crying either.  When I got out of the shower, I could hear S screaming.  I tried to comb my hair and get my pajamas on quickly when I realized I had cut my leg shaving and was bleeding everywhere.  It didn't even hurt, but somehow, I looked like I came straight out of a horror movie.  So here I am putting multiple Finding Nemo bandaids all down my leg while S is screaming.  S continued crying for an hour straight no matter what we did to comfort him.  So unlike him.  And so hard on parents.  I felt completely useless and so frustrated that he was refusing the one thing that would make him better.  If only we could reason with a two year old.  He finally fell asleep from pure exhaustion.  S woke around 2:30am crying and miserable again.  We did somehow manage to get a little medicine in him.  He fell asleep again around 3:30am and slept until 7:30 the next morning.  We're still struggling to dose him (going to head to the pharmacy to add flavor to his medicine), but he's been acting relatively normal.  Phew.

We don't have any plans this weekend other than swim class and school on Saturday morning.  So happy for that!

Finally, I have to share this because I find it hilarious.  W had a Valentine celebration at school today.  Students were encouraged to bring Valentines and wear their pajamas to school.  W wore his heart breaker valentine pjs and looked so cute.  When I picked him up, one of his teachers came to talk to me.  It went something like this...

Miss M: I said to W, "Your shirt says heart breaker.  What do you think that means?"  And he said, "I guess that means I have to go find a girlfriend."

BAHAHAHA

Vent Session

It’s Wednesday and I’m already over this week.

S has been battling a nasty cough and congestion.  Monday he starting getting a rash mainly on his face.  I’m guessing this could be Fifth Disease, which is a common virus that results in rash.  That’s my Dr. Google diagnosis, anyway.  He hasn’t been sleeping well and the congestion is causing him to vomit.  I walked in the door after work on Monday and S immediately puked on me.  Poor guy.  He always gets the weird viruses.

I had a work dinner yesterday and realized I’m constantly selling myself short.  I was asked questions about my projects and previous experiences by a few new colleagues.  After answering their questions, I realized I was continuously downplaying my role by describing my projects as having few problems and previous jobs as simple.  I’m cringing as I type that.  I’ve worked hard and managed projects effectively… why am I not giving myself any credit?  So mad at myself.

Related, my coworker was recently promoted.  We had the same title and did the same type of work until he got promoted.  He deserved the promotion, but he also had the opportunity to demonstrate his competency when he was given a new, challenging project.  It didn’t bother me that he got promoted – he was presented with a challenge and overcame it… good for him.  But I also realized he was being given additional project work in an area I expressed interest in and I’m disappointed I wasn’t considered.  He has a brand new baby as well and I might just be a little envious that everything seems to be going his way.  Also envious that he can just carry on with work dinners and frequent travel though he has a newborn and meanwhile, I have a two and four year old and feel immense guilt for partaking in these types of activities a couple times per year.  Sigh.

S got up at 4:15 this morning.  W got to bed late, woke up too early, and had a tantrum about 5 seconds after getting out of bed.  Both boys have check-ups today and vaccinations.  We have kindergarten night at W’s preschool tomorrow night.  Ugghhhhh….  And I won’t even mention the pissy email I received from my nurse or what’s happening in politics.  Oops.  I guess I just did.  Friday can’t come soon enough.

S at 2

S is still the sweetest, cuddliest little boy.  As soon as I scoop him up, he lays his head on my shoulder and cuddles.  I just love it.  He smiles easily and is happy the majority of the time.  He adores his older brother and if W is interested in something, so is S.  S also really loves Addie and often calls for her, plays with her, and pets her.  S hates being alone, even if it’s just in a separate room than everyone else.  He is saying lots of words and adds a new word seemingly every day.  If I had to guess, I’d estimate that he says around 90-100 words (I’m going to assume he says a lot more than his brother did at the same age – a relief since we were worried about W’s speech).  He has also started combining words.  So far it mostly consists of asking me for something – “mom, juice!”, “mom, up!”, etc.  We recently realized that he can identify almost all letters of the alphabet.  I was typing on my computer and he pointed to a key and said M.  I pointed to other letters and he got nearly every one correct!  I was shocked.  He counts to 10 and says most numbers to 20 correctly.  On the flipside, he does not identify numbers (most numbers are two) or colors yet (everything is green).  He loves songs and seems to learn them quickly.  He’s really into books lately and his current obsession is Pete the Cat – just like W when he was younger.  He also enjoys coloring and playing with toy cars.  He absolutely loves being outdoors no matter how cold.  Recently, I opened the door to grab a package and he stepped outside barefoot.  It was 30 degrees.  He threw such a fit when I brought him in.  He loves to eat and is really great about trying new foods.  I LOVE this about him.  He has a serious sweet tooth and often asks for a cookie.  He loves the Charlie Brown movies (shows?) and will ask to watch “Brown” every day.  He even recites words/sounds right along with the show. He doesn’t like being in the car for long and will start crying once he reaches his limit.  He’s probably the most social of any of us and will play along with other toddlers and flirt with adults.  He’s figured out that when you say ‘potty’ at church, it means you get to leave and so he has everyone at church thinking he’s potty trained when in fact he’s not even close – he just uses it as an excuse to visit the lobby/bathrooms.  Side note: Last weekend at church, W loudly started talking about his weenie and S pointed to a picture of Joseph and yelled “Ho, ho, ho!”.  We need to work on church etiquette.

From the moment he was born, S has been the sweetest, happiest guy.  He’s a perfect fit for our family and we’re so grateful for him.

Weekend Recap - S's Birthday

My littlest love turned two yesterday.  Seems like we were just bringing him home from the hospital.  Where does the time go??

Saturday morning was relaxed and wonderful.  The sun was shining, W announced that he was going to be nice to S today, we all had breakfast together.  It was a great start to the day.  S woke up with a cold on Friday so I decided to keep him home from school.  W went to swim class with A while S and I played at home.  I really wanted S to take a nap and a car ride usually does the trick.  One trip to Starbucks and I had an iced caramel macchiato and a sleeping boy.

Around 3, everyone came over for S’s party.  We had planned on taking Addie to doggy day car, but they were installing new flooring and had to close for the weekend.  Things were a little crazy with Addie and 10 kids running around the house, but I think everyone had a good time.  The party was train themed and there was lots of pizza and appetizers for everyone.  S actually got into opening presents and he was so so cute while we were singing happy birthday.  He smiled at everyone and soaked up being the center of attention.  I’ll do a post on S soon, but he is seriously the sweetest little boy I’ve ever encountered (totally biased).  All in all, it was a great day and when it was over, we were all exhausted.  A started cleaning up and I could not even muster the energy to get off the couch.

Sunday was our usual routine.  We had tons of food left over from the party and I feel like I’ve been eating constantly for 2 days straight.  The boys had fun playing with their new toys.  I saw the half time show (Lady Gaga was amazing!) and the end of the Superbowl (boo), but missed most of the commercials.

The upcoming week is going to be another busy one… I’m in serious need of some downtime. :\