Nothing Worth Having Comes Easy

I had an interview last week and it didn’t go as well as I hoped.  I left the interview feeling like I could’ve and should’ve said so much more.  I didn’t have the exact requirements or background specified in the job description, but I felt that my experiences and history with the company would be an asset to the position.  Unfortunately, I didn’t convey my thoughts as well as I had planned to.  As the interview was wrapping up, the hiring manger told me there was lots of interest in the position and she had several resumes to look through.  Awesome.  Certainly not how you’d like an interview to end.  It’s a really terrible feeling knowing that you only had one chance and didn’t put your best foot forward.

Later that night, I was walking on the treadmill, trying to exercise my frustration and sadness away when the tears started falling (pretty sure A thinks I’m crazy as he came downstairs to find me wiping my eyes).  This somewhat insignificant moment in time made me think about my life and how every significant aspect was achieved after many hurdles and hardships.  Not one thing or one facet, which I would classify as important, came easily.  And honestly, I’m tired.  Tired of putting forth SO much effort, tired of trying so hard, tired of trying to continuously defy odds and overcome.

According to US News and World Report, the high school I attended has 4500 students and a graduation rate of 46%.  In regards to math proficiency, 5%  of students met expectations.  5%!!  63% are classified as economically disadvantaged.  I’ve been out of high school for some time, but I don’t think the numbers have changed much.  Somehow I managed to pass the AP Calculus exam and earn college credit.  Statistically speaking, odds were that I would not attend college, not graduate, and certainly not graduate with a degree in Chemistry.

Even college couldn’t be an easy experience for me.  Sure, chemistry is a difficult major and I didn’t expect to just breeze through.  But senior year, my dad unexpectedly passed away.  My grades suffered, I failed my first class ever.  I struggled with how to cope while being away from my family and how to move on without my dad.  I ended up staying an extra semester to retake that class I failed (and received an A).  I eventually graduated with my BS in Chemistry.  And through scholarships and savings, I graduated without any student debt.

And then I started dating A.  Of course that couldn’t be easy either.  Finding out he had CF wasn’t something I anticipated.  CF wasn’t even on my radar.  I knew there would be challenges, lots of doctor’s appointments, hospital admissions, lots of worry.  And while A is currently doing well, I’ll always worry about his health and how it will affect our future.

I switched jobs shortly after A and I were married and found myself in a miserable position.  I had to stay because we had just purchased a house and A was student teaching and substitute teaching.  One of which paid nothing, the other paid very little.  And I’m not one to quit a job without having something else lined up.  For over two years, I looked for a better, more fulfilling job.  I went back to school and earned a graduate certification in a field I was more interested in hoping it would help me land a new role.  All the while, I was incredibly unhappy.  It was a really low point in my life.  Trying to summon enough motivation just to make it through the work day, feeling overworked and uninspired.  Maybe I needed that awful experience to push me into pursuing a different field, but it was so difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel while I was knee deep in dissolution testing and assay analyses.  Thankfully, I eventually made it out of there and into a much better position.  While I don’t love my job right now, it is infinitely better than that awful experience 10 years ago.

And then A and I decided we wanted to pursue having children.  I knew that wouldn’t be easy, but also didn’t anticipate so many cycles and such poor results.  4 IVF cycles and 1 FET later, we have our two miracle boys, (2 miracles out of 36!! total embryos) but feel like we didn’t have a say in when our family was complete.  1 IVF cycle is incredibly difficult (physically, mentally, and financially), let alone 4.  I envy those who can expand their families without medical intervention.

So it’s not at all surprising that this interview didn’t go well.  But for once, just once, it would be nice if something wasn’t so incredibly difficult to achieve.  I don’t expect anything to be handed to me.  But does everything have to be so darn difficult??

Last week, when it was uncharacteristically warm and raining,  S exclaimed, “Mommy!  That’s glitter on the window?”.  No, I told him, just raindrops reflecting light.  I could really use some glitter in my life instead of the rain lately.