Thursday, August 6, 2015

Birthday Blues

Yesterday was my birthday.  It wasn’t a milestone birthday and there wasn’t anything particularly special or important about it – other than it was my birthday.  But I found myself really depressed.  And I can’t explain why.  I’ve never been one to hide from my birthday or dread getting older, but suddenly this year I did.  Maybe it was because I shared my birthday with baby S.  Maybe seeing him grow so quickly is making me feel that much older.  Maybe it’s the post-partum, bf’ing hormones sticking around.  Maybe it’s the thought that this past year cannot possibly be topped – 2 perfect boys – how did I get so lucky?

Yesterday, a series of important life moments played in my head… didn’t I just graduate from high school a few years ago?  Maybe not, but surely college graduation wasn’t very long ago?  Didn’t I just start my first real job? Wasn’t I just walking down the aisle?  Didn’t I just have W?  Didn’t I just leave the hospital with S??  How is it possible that we’re here, already nearing the end of summer, and S is now 6 months old?  How?  How? How?  And what if this is as good as it gets?  What if things are all downhill from here?

Sometimes I feel like no one can relate to me.  I don’t know anyone who has a spouse with CF and has gone through the IVF process.  The friends I did have who experienced IVF are no longer friends.  I don’t necessarily miss them, but I miss having that commonality.  And while I do have other friends, I feel like they don’t always understand my situation.  They can’t relate.

All those thoughts, and at the same time, I wouldn’t change a thing…  Because I have everything I ever wanted.

Annnnd this entire post probably made no sense.  Welcome to my mind. :)

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